Lonely? Depressed? Overweight? Given up hope that babes would give a loser like you the time of day? DON’T GIVE UP!!!! Hi, I’m Andrew Morton, and I want to share a few presidential pickup lines that REALLY, REALLY work! They’re actual quotes from my new book, Monica’s Story, available at chain bookstores now! Bill Clinton used every last one of ‘em! Try them and I promise you’ll be beating chix back with a stick! *
- “Come on in here for a second.”
- ”Come into the back office.”
- ”If you want to meet me back in George’s office in five or ten minutes you can.”
- “What kind of a name is Lewinsky, anyway?”
- “Hi, Kiddo.”
- “Did you get the picture of me in the tie?”
- “You look really skinny.”
- “I saw you in the hall today. You looked really skinny.”
- “You have no idea what a gift it is to me to get to spend time with you and talk to you. I cherish the time we spend together. It’s very lonely here and people don’t really understand that.”
- “I’ve been sick about it [i.e., the death of the first American serviceman in Bosnia].It’s really hard to know that someone died because of your executive order.”
- “Just like Chelsea’s [i.e., Monica’s combat boots].”
- “He’s such a jerk [i.e., Andy Bleiler, her previous married lover].”
- “I don’t ever want you to feel that way [i.e., that the relationship is purely sexual]. That’s not what this is.”
- “Don’t worry, I’m going to take care of you. I don’t want you to be unhappy.”
- “I wish you were here to give me a big hug.”
- “She [Clinton’s mother] would have liked you. You are very much alike.”
- “You looked stunning.”
- “Hi, it’s Bill. I have laryngitis.”
- “Try a Little Tenderness” [sung].
- “Wait, just wait. Be patient. Be patient. This [Leaves of Grass] is for you.”
*The only catch is that first you have to get elected president.
–Timothy Noah
