The XX Factor

Kesha Says People Told Her She Looked “Better” While She Battled an Eating Disorder

Kesha at the Billboard Women in Music 2016 event on Friday in New York City.

Angela Weiss/AFP/Getty Images

On Friday, Kesha accepted the “Trailblazer” honor at Billboard’s Women in Music event but admitted it was hard for her to even make it to the show. “I feel stuck, and I feel sad. Quite frankly, today, I feel bloated,” she said in her emotional acceptance speech. “I didn’t really feel like standing up and getting an award. I didn’t feel worthy of that. But I knew I had to drag myself out of my bed, put on my damn boots, and walk up here tonight and say thank you to you guys.”

The singer and songwriter has been enmeshed in a legal battle with her alleged abuser, producer Lukasz “Dr. Luke” Gottwald, for years, as she’s tried to free herself from a Sony contract that would force her to make several more albums with him before she could release any new music. In her acceptance speech on Friday, she said that living with anxiety and recovering from an eating disorder have made it even more difficult for her to get out of bed in the morning and move on with her life.

Kesha has been remarkably open about her legal and personal struggles, giving fans and fellow celebrities reason to pressure her label to let her out of the contract. “I’ve dreamed about winning awards about talking honestly about uncomfortable things,” she said. “I wanted people to like my songs and think I’m pretty and think my videos are awesome. So it’s mind-blowing to be honored like this after the very public year I had.”

But her struggles have also illuminated the destructive effects of celebrity on women whose bodies get offered up for consumption in the public sphere. “When I was very, very sick and getting sicker, I would hear about how much better and better I was looking,” Kesha said. “And that’s why I decided to stand confident in my ever-changing, totally imperfect body and try to practice the self-worth and self-love that I preach in my music.” Kesha has previously written that she assumed it was part of her job as a pop star “to be as skinny as possible” by “abusing” her body.

As a Billboard “Trailblazer,” Kesha is using the magazine’s platform to advocate for LGBTQ homeless youth, for whom she’s pledged to fight “until the day I die.” “I know I’m not alone. These are struggles millions of people around the world deal with on a daily basis,” Kesha said in her speech. “Thank you so much for reminding me that what I’m doing is worth it. Thank you for caring. This is a huge reminder that I can’t give up.”