What is about to go down at the DNC? Should we be worried?
“Get ready to hear about your exciting role in this historic celebration,” said a calm, stern voice over the intercom. “You will be performing a card stunt.”
We will? A what now?
What followed was a series of audiovisual instructions at least as complex as an in-flight spiel about flotation devices and only slightly less Baroque than the rules for Happy Fun Ball.
“You have your card for the stunt folded in a bag on your seat. Do not remove or open it yet. Each card is assigned to your specific seat, so make sure your card stays at your seat.”
The cards, the voice said, will create a “unified patriotic picture” in the arena when they’re all lifted at the cue of “audience leaders.” This seems like a bad, no-good, horrible, terrible idea. With all the ex–Bernie supporters groaning in the audience with their glow-in-the-dark T-shirts, this “card stunt” seems ripe for sabotage. And anyone who’s attended a college basketball game knows, if there’s even a little alcohol involved in the proceedings, a simple card stunt can easily devolve into a mess of poster board papercuts and unfortunate misspellings.
What in the world could this patriotic picture be? Will it be hundreds of identical, yonic woman cards? A giant likeness of Hillbot Katy Perry’s left shark? A hammer and sickle? A grotesquely enlarged pocket Constitution? What did the DNC’s emails have to say about this?
More importantly, if Democrats couldn’t figure out how to fully extricate hanging chads, how will they properly execute an arenawide stunt? Next time, maybe settle for the wave.
Update, July 28, 11:40 p.m.: The card stunt involved various patterns of red, white, and blue, which formed giant words unintelligible from C-SPAN’s utilitarian camera angles. Waste of announcer labor, waste of instructional video, waste of paper. Let’s not do that ever again.
