Genital-shaped bumper cars are at the center of a municipal battle in southern Brazil, where a proposed sex-themed amusement park near the city of Piracicaba has rubbed local lawmakers the wrong way. “We cannot be known as the capital of sex,” Piracicaba City Council head Matheus Erler said, worrying that ErotikaLand would draw a libidinous, depraved element to his fair city.
Developer Mauro Morata says Erler has nothing to worry about. Yes, there will be a “7D” movie theater with vibrating seats. Yes, there will be an erotic sculpture garden, à la South Korea’s Loveland. Yes, there will be a haunted train ride with go-go dancers, a nude pool, a sex-toy bazaar, and, because it wouldn’t be a theme park without one, a funicular. But “it’s not like we’re trying to recreate Sodom and Gomorrah,” Morata told the New York Times. Actual sexual contact is verboten within the park’s bounds, though Morata says he plans to open a short-stay motel nearby for visitors who want an additional thrill.
But what else are parkgoers supposed to do in the planned Ferris wheel, which will feature closed compartments with one-way glass so riders can see out, but no one else can see in? What does Morata suggest they do once they’re aroused to the point of incapacitation after stuffing themselves full of oysters and walnuts from the aphrodisiac snack bars? Morata’s plans for the park are a decent start, but if he plans to satisfy visitors’ expectations, he’ll need to make ErotikaLand’s rides a lot more stimulating.
A few ideas:
· Before parkgoers exit the gates for the sex motel, send them down a log flume that splashes through a deep pool of lube instead of water.
· Install a Gravitron, pair up willing participants, and see what kinds of sexual nonsense they can get into while fighting the pull of centrifugal force.
· Double up the swings on a Chair-O-Planes ride to facilitate in-air intercourse.
· Get one of those carnival games where players squirt water into a clown’s mouth and retrofit it so that the water pistol can be operated by one’s pelvic muscles.
· Remove the ponies from the carousel and hire vertigo-immune exotic dancers to perform on the poles.
· Use the concept of Whac-A-Mole to organize a participant-led spanking booth.
· Build a “Morning After” fun house with mirrors that distort a sexual partner’s appearance, making guests wonder what the hell they were thinking during the lazy-river tryst last night.
· Take the indoor boat ride of “It’s a Small World After All,” replace the soundtrack with an infinite loop of Salt N Pepa’s “Push It,” and populate it with adorable multicultural dolls performing acts of wanton perversion on one another.
Good luck, Piracicaba! May you attract thousands of tourists yearning for an day of sex-like fun in the clean, safe environment of an amusement park.
