Throw out all your life goals, because Kanye West just gave us all a new aspirational horizon to sprint toward. In celebration of his wife Kim Kardashian West’s birthday, Kanye threw a surprise party. But, of course, it was no quaint affair in the living room with solo cups, a lame Spotify playlist (possibly featuring Kanye West), and a few friends. Instead, the rapper rented out a movie theater to screen Danny Boyle’s Steve Jobs. And the guests? They were all asked to come dressed as their favorite pregnant Kim Kardashian look. How did pregnant Kim Kardashian feel about this? She loved it, of course!
Let’s just pause here to picture this moment. Guests arrive, and are handed fake pregnant tummies upon entry. (Usually party favors are saved until the end, but I can see here why Ye made the exception.) Kim Kardashian walks in and sees a roomful of people dressed just like her. A singularity occurs, and they’re all sucked into it, leaving the rest of us to resume building the future that Back to the Future II envisioned.
Wait, never mind—that’s just the dream I had last night. Kim Kardashian walked in, saw the roomful of people dressed just like her, and basked in the glory of her own image.
This party was a win for everyone involved. Kanye got to one-up everyone who’s ever thrown a surprise party for a significant other. Kim Kardashian got an even stronger validation of her own image than she did by publishing a book of selfies. Kylie Jenner, you’ll note, put the preggo-tummy on her butt instead of her stomach, and will probably leave it on through the remainder of 2015, claiming it’s natural until people write too many think-pieces about it. But the real winners here are Danny Boyle and Aaron Sorkin, who got the review they’ve probably always wanted—“It's sooooo good”—from the one person they’ve probably always wanted to hear it from, Kim K.
Before I sign off to contemplate my comparatively empty existence, a few notes for improvement:
- For all the innovative thinking on this party, that’s a weak cake. Kanye should have taken a page out of Mariah Carey’s book and gotten a cake in the shape of pregnant Kim Kardashian.
- Next time, commission Aaron Sorkin to write a biopic about Kim Kardashian which would (please) be screened privately, for Kim Kardashian alone to enjoy.
- Drake should have been in a corner, dressed as pregnant Kim Kardashian, dancing to “Hotline Bling.”