Bristol Palin's canceled-wedding debacle was just fading from public view when we got hit with another bit of tabloid-y Palin news: Bristol is pregnant again. Likely because of all her work preaching abstinence, she knows what you're thinking and would like you to cut it out. "I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy," Palin wrote in her announcement.
You will get no lectures on how to live your life from me, Bristol. As a feminist, I really do believe it: Your body, your choice. The world is full enough with people reducing women's morality to what they do with their vaginas.
Instead let's talk about what you do with your mouth, or really your keyboard. This "no lectures" policy sounds great in theory, but you've never applied it to other people. Cases in point:
1) Wendy Davis. After discovering that Texas state senator and gubernatorial candidate Wendy Davis spent some of her marriage living apart from her kids while attending Harvard Law, Palin launched a memorable grenade in the Mommy Wars. "Is everyone paying attention?" Palin asked, warming up into lecture-mode. "This woman is the hero of the Left? A woman whose ambition and ego were so big she couldn’t have both a career and kids at the same time," Palin sneered. "Gosh, children are sooo inconvenient, huh?"
2) Barack Obama and his daughters. After President Obama credited his daughters for helping him see the light on same-sex marriage, Palin lectured Obama on his parenting skills. "While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads," she wrote. "In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends' parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage."
3) Miley Cyrus. When Miley Cyrus said that conservative Christian beliefs shouldn't dictate the rights LGBT people have and explained why she thinks creationist Christianity is silly, Palin lectured Cyrus about, well, a lot of things, including Cyrus's "hippie lifestyle" and her tendency to "drop lots of profanity." "She wants everyone else to let her be 'free to be Miley,' but seems unwilling to offer the same respect to her parents and those who wish to live out their Christian faith," Palin said.
4) Meghan McCain. It appears that Meghan McCain did not want to be Bristol Palin's friend, an offense that could not be borne. And so Palin ripped into McCain in her memoir, complaining that the first time the Palins visited the McCains, Meghan "ignored us during the entire visit." "I'd never seen people with so much Louis Vuitton luggage, so many cell phones, and so many constant helpers to do hair and makeup," she added.
5) Keith Olbermann. Bristol Palin took umbrage at Keith Olbermann's skepticism regarding her sincerity as an abstinence-only spokeswoman and lectured him about it on Facebook. "Mr. Olbermann fails to understand that in order to have credibility as a spokesperson, it sometimes takes a person who has made mistakes," she explained. "Parents warn their children about the mistakes they made so they are not repeated."
While Palin mostly enjoys dishing out the lectures she does not appreciate receiving, she has on occasion doled out the sympathy she wants no part of. Here are two bonus beneficiaries of the gentle rains of Palin sympathy.
1) Phil Robertson. When Phil Robertson compared gay sex to bestiality and praised the era of segregation, Palin used her blog to defend the Duck Dynasty star's sacred right to say bigoted things without criticism. In a post titled "Leave Phil Robertson Alone!", Palin expressed sympathy the only way she knows how: by lecturing liberals about how much they suck. " I think it’s so hypocritical how the LGBT community expects every single flippen person to agree with their life style," she griped. "Everyone needs to treat others like God would, with love."
As a reminder, here are some of the loving words Robertson bestowed upon gay people:
It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.
2) Josh Duggar. When it was revealed the eldest son of the 19 Kids and Counting clan had molested five underage girls and had his family help cover it up for him, Palin went on the offense against Duggar critics. "Josh Duggar touched a sleeping girl's breast—a terrible thing to go. But now their ENTIRE family is punished and their hit show is canceled? He’s labeled as a pedophile? His family is crucified!" she exclaimed.
"Liberals in today’s media can do no wrong, while conservatives can do no right," she added. Bristol, you have our sympathy—oops, sorry!