Angelina and Brad Finally Wed. Will Billy Bob Thornton Ever Find Happiness?

What Women Really Think
Aug. 28 2014 1:16 PM

Angelina and Brad Finally Wed. Will Billy Bob Thornton Ever Find Happiness?

140828_fakeUsWeeklyCover

Photos by Getty Images. Photo illustration by Holly Allen.

Finding out that your ex got married is never fun. Especially if you are Billy Bob Thornton. 

Poor Billy Bob. News broke this morning that Thornton’s ex-wife, Angelina Jolie, finally married her longtime partner Brad Pitt in a secret Saturday ceremony at a Provence chateau. How is Thornton holding up? Probably poorly, as he braces for another day of "how are you holding up" looks from his friends. Because if celebrity tabloids have taught us anything over the past decade, it’s that Jolie and Pitt’s happiness is inversely related to Billy Bob Thornton’s sense of self-worth. The wedding will only remind Thornton that he used to be married to somebody really pretty, but now she is married to somebody equally pretty—somebody far prettier than Billy Bob Thornton will ever be—and now every personal and professional accomplishment Thornton achieves will be forever dwarfed by the expansiveness of Brad and Angelina's love for one another. 

Advertisement

Is this the second-worst day of Billy Bob Thornton’s life? We can reliably assume that the first-worst day of his life was the day he and Jolie divorced. Since then, most days have been pretty bad—his constant yo-yo dieting and frequent hairstyle changes are clearly sad, passive-aggressive bids to compete with Pitt and win back Jolie’s affections—but today is probably worse than even a normal day, which is saying something.

Will Thornton’s longtime live-in partner, makeup artist Connie Angland, ever propose? Thornton has said that he swore off marriage forever after divorcing Jolie, but as hard as he tries to put on a brave face, we all know what this fiftysomething single man desperately wants. Sources say he has begged Angland to make an honest man out of him. Today, Thornton finally lost his race to the altar. Now that Jolie and Pitt have done it, why even bother?

In a detail sure to break Thornton’s already fractured heart, 16-year-old Maddox—the child Jolie adopted while married to Thornton, who was later adopted by Pitt—reportedly walked Jolie down the aisle. Though Thornton has four children, Pitt has six—50 percent more children than Thornton has. In his desperate and pathetic attempt to sire more children than Brad Pitt, will Thornton ever concede defeat? You can practically see his prostate ticking every time he walks down the red carpet. Will Billy Bob Thornton ever get pregnant? It's not looking good.  

This is Pitt’s second marriage.

Amanda Hess is a Slate staff writer. 

TODAY IN SLATE

Doublex

Crying Rape

False rape accusations exist, and they are a serious problem.

Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.

I Bought the Huge iPhone. I’m Already Thinking of Returning It.

The Music Industry Is Ignoring Some of the Best Black Women Singing R&B

How Will You Carry Around Your Huge New iPhone? Apple Pants!

Medical Examiner

The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola 

The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.

Television

The Other Huxtable Effect

Thirty years ago, The Cosby Show gave us one of TV’s great feminists.

Lifetime Didn’t Find the Steubenville Rape Case Dramatic Enough. So They Added a Little Self-Immolation.

No, New York Times, Shonda Rhimes Is Not an “Angry Black Woman” 

Brow Beat
Sept. 19 2014 1:39 PM Shonda Rhimes Is Not an “Angry Black Woman,” New York Times. Neither Are Her Characters.
Behold
Sept. 19 2014 1:11 PM An Up-Close Look at the U.S.–Mexico Border
  News & Politics
Weigel
Sept. 19 2014 9:15 PM Chris Christie, Better Than Ever
  Business
Moneybox
Sept. 19 2014 6:35 PM Pabst Blue Ribbon is Being Sold to the Russians, Was So Over Anyway
  Life
Inside Higher Ed
Sept. 19 2014 1:34 PM Empty Seats, Fewer Donors? College football isn’t attracting the audience it used to.
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 19 2014 3:07 PM Everything Is a "Women's Issue"
  Slate Plus
Slate Picks
Sept. 19 2014 12:00 PM What Happened at Slate This Week? The Slatest editor tells us to read well-informed skepticism, media criticism, and more.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 19 2014 4:48 PM You Should Be Listening to Sbtrkt
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 19 2014 5:03 PM White House Chief Information Officer Will Run U.S. Ebola Response
  Health & Science
Medical Examiner
Sept. 19 2014 5:09 PM Did America Get Fat by Drinking Diet Soda?   A high-profile study points the finger at artificial sweeteners.
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.