Finding out that your ex got married is never fun. Especially if you are Billy Bob Thornton.
Poor Billy Bob. News broke this morning that Thornton’s ex-wife, Angelina Jolie, finally married her longtime partner Brad Pitt in a secret Saturday ceremony at a Provence chateau. How is Thornton holding up? Probably poorly, as he braces for another day of "how are you holding up" looks from his friends. Because if celebrity tabloids have taught us anything over the past decade, it’s that Jolie and Pitt’s happiness is inversely related to Billy Bob Thornton’s sense of self-worth. The wedding will only remind Thornton that he used to be married to somebody really pretty, but now she is married to somebody equally pretty—somebody far prettier than Billy Bob Thornton will ever be—and now every personal and professional accomplishment Thornton achieves will be forever dwarfed by the expansiveness of Brad and Angelina's love for one another.
Is this the second-worst day of Billy Bob Thornton’s life? We can reliably assume that the first-worst day of his life was the day he and Jolie divorced. Since then, most days have been pretty bad—his constant yo-yo dieting and frequent hairstyle changes are clearly sad, passive-aggressive bids to compete with Pitt and win back Jolie’s affections—but today is probably worse than even a normal day, which is saying something.
Will Thornton’s longtime live-in partner, makeup artist Connie Angland, ever propose? Thornton has said that he swore off marriage forever after divorcing Jolie, but as hard as he tries to put on a brave face, we all know what this fiftysomething single man desperately wants. Sources say he has begged Angland to make an honest man out of him. Today, Thornton finally lost his race to the altar. Now that Jolie and Pitt have done it, why even bother?
In a detail sure to break Thornton’s already fractured heart, 16-year-old Maddox—the child Jolie adopted while married to Thornton, who was later adopted by Pitt—reportedly walked Jolie down the aisle. Though Thornton has four children, Pitt has six—50 percent more children than Thornton has. In his desperate and pathetic attempt to sire more children than Brad Pitt, will Thornton ever concede defeat? You can practically see his prostate ticking every time he walks down the red carpet. Will Billy Bob Thornton ever get pregnant? It's not looking good.
This is Pitt’s second marriage.
TODAY IN SLATE
False rape accusations exist, and they are a serious problem.
Scotland Is Just the Beginning. Expect More Political Earthquakes in Europe.
I Bought the Huge iPhone. I’m Already Thinking of Returning It.
The Music Industry Is Ignoring Some of the Best Black Women Singing R&B
How Will You Carry Around Your Huge New iPhone? Apple Pants!
The Most Terrifying Thing About Ebola
The disease threatens humanity by preying on humanity.
The Other Huxtable Effect
Thirty years ago, The Cosby Show gave us one of TV’s great feminists.