Angelina and Brad Finally Wed. Will Billy Bob Thornton Ever Find Happiness?

What Women Really Think
Aug. 28 2014 1:16 PM

Angelina and Brad Finally Wed. Will Billy Bob Thornton Ever Find Happiness?

140828_fakeUsWeeklyCover

Photos by Getty Images. Photo illustration by Holly Allen.

Finding out that your ex got married is never fun. Especially if you are Billy Bob Thornton. 

Poor Billy Bob. News broke this morning that Thornton’s ex-wife, Angelina Jolie, finally married her longtime partner Brad Pitt in a secret Saturday ceremony at a Provence chateau. How is Thornton holding up? Probably poorly, as he braces for another day of "how are you holding up" looks from his friends. Because if celebrity tabloids have taught us anything over the past decade, it’s that Jolie and Pitt’s happiness is inversely related to Billy Bob Thornton’s sense of self-worth. The wedding will only remind Thornton that he used to be married to somebody really pretty, but now she is married to somebody equally pretty—somebody far prettier than Billy Bob Thornton will ever be—and now every personal and professional accomplishment Thornton achieves will be forever dwarfed by the expansiveness of Brad and Angelina's love for one another. 

Advertisement

Is this the second-worst day of Billy Bob Thornton’s life? We can reliably assume that the first-worst day of his life was the day he and Jolie divorced. Since then, most days have been pretty bad—his constant yo-yo dieting and frequent hairstyle changes are clearly sad, passive-aggressive bids to compete with Pitt and win back Jolie’s affections—but today is probably worse than even a normal day, which is saying something.

Will Thornton’s longtime live-in partner, makeup artist Connie Angland, ever propose? Thornton has said that he swore off marriage forever after divorcing Jolie, but as hard as he tries to put on a brave face, we all know what this fiftysomething single man desperately wants. Sources say he has begged Angland to make an honest man out of him. Today, Thornton finally lost his race to the altar. Now that Jolie and Pitt have done it, why even bother?

In a detail sure to break Thornton’s already fractured heart, 16-year-old Maddox—the child Jolie adopted while married to Thornton, who was later adopted by Pitt—reportedly walked Jolie down the aisle. Though Thornton has four children, Pitt has six—50 percent more children than Thornton has. In his desperate and pathetic attempt to sire more children than Brad Pitt, will Thornton ever concede defeat? You can practically see his prostate ticking every time he walks down the red carpet. Will Billy Bob Thornton ever get pregnant? It's not looking good.  

This is Pitt’s second marriage.

Amanda Hess is a Slate staff writer. 

TODAY IN SLATE

History

The Self-Made Man

The story of America’s most pliable, pernicious, irrepressible myth.

The GOP Senate Candidate in Iowa Doesn’t Want Voters to Know Just How Conservative She Really Is

Does Your Child Have “Sluggish Cognitive Tempo”? Or Is That Just a Disorder Made Up to Scare You?

Naomi Klein Is Wrong

Multinational corporations are doing more than governments to halt climate change.

The Strange History of Wives Gazing at Their Husbands in Political Ads

Television

See Me

Transparent is the fall’s only great new show.

Doublex

Lena Dunham, the Book

More shtick than honesty in Not That Kind of Girl.

Rehtaeh Parsons Was the Most Famous Victim in Canada. Now, Journalists Can’t Even Say Her Name.

Parents, Get Your Teenage Daughters the IUD

The XX Factor
Sept. 30 2014 12:34 PM Parents, Get Your Teenage Daughters the IUD
Moneybox
Sept. 30 2014 12:04 PM John Hodgman on Why He Wore a Blue Dress to Impersonate Ayn Rand
  News & Politics
Politics
Sept. 30 2014 1:38 PM Mad About Modi
 Why the controversial Indian prime minister drew 19,000 cheering fans to Madison Square Garden.

  Business
Building a Better Workplace
Sept. 30 2014 1:16 PM You Deserve a Pre-cation The smartest job perk you’ve never heard of.
  Life
Education
Sept. 30 2014 1:48 PM Thrashed Florida State’s new president is underqualified and mistrusted. But here’s how he can turn it around.
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 30 2014 12:34 PM Parents, Get Your Teenage Daughters the IUD
  Slate Plus
Slate Picks
Sept. 30 2014 11:42 AM Listen to Our September Music Roundup Hot tracks from a cooler month, exclusively for Slate Plus members.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 30 2014 12:42 PM How to Save Broken Mayonnaise
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 30 2014 11:55 AM The Justice Department Is Cracking Down on Sales of Spyware Used in Stalking
  Health & Science
Bad Astronomy
Sept. 30 2014 7:30 AM What Lurks Beneath the Methane Lakes of Titan?
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 28 2014 8:30 PM NFL Players Die Young. Or Maybe They Live Long Lives. Why it’s so hard to pin down the effects of football on players’ lives.