Phil Robertson Advised Men to Marry 15-Year-Old Girls Because They Will “Pick Your Ducks”

What Women Really Think
Dec. 30 2013 11:44 AM

Phil Robertson Says Girls Should Be Married Off at “15 or 16”

144108809
Phil Robertson, with wife Kay Robertson, is apparently ready to marry off his 16-year-old granddaughter.

Photo by Jason Kempin/Getty Images for A&E Networks

Culture warriors on the right spent the bulk of the holiday season establishing Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty as a martyr because the millionaire was suspended from his television show after making grossly homophobic and racist statements to a GQ reporter. The strategy worked, and A&E reinstalled Robertson to his apparently First Amendment–guaranteed spot on reality TV, which in turn sent liberal bloggers back to YouTube to find more incidents of Robertson saying terrible things about the nonwhite, nonmale, nonstraight portions of the population.

The hunt didn't take long. This weekend bloggers turned up a video from 2009 in which Robertson advises marrying underage girls because they are easier to dominate than those who've graduated high school. 

Advertisement

In the video, a Sportsmen's Ministry talk, Robertson laments that good women are hard to find, saying, "Mainly because these boys are waiting until they get to be about 20 years old before they marry 'em. Look, you wait until they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that's going to take place is your pocket."

His advice for a happy marriage is to make like R. Kelly and hang out in high-school parking lots. "You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16. They'll pick your ducks." (No, "pick your ducks" is not sexual innuendo—Robertson is talking about cleaning the feathers off of dead birds, a miserable task often left to women to perform.) "You need to check with mom and dad about that of course," sage Robertson wisely advises, but he does not explain how to convince the parents of teenage girls to let them marry grown men who are tired of cleaning their own dead birds. 

He could start by asking his own sons. Indeed, his one son, Willie Robertson, has a daughter, Sadie, who at 16 is exactly the right age for marriage in her grandfather's estimation. Of course, she's pretty busy at the moment capitalizing on her family's fame to start a career in fashion designing. Instead of doing her godly duty and standing over a sink yanking feathers off her husband's killings, Sadie Robertson has been walking the catwalk to show off prom dresses she helped design with Sherri Hill. One can only hope for an episode of Duck Dynasty in which Phil has a heart-to-heart with his granddaughter, illuminating the very important issue of yanking teenagers out of New York Fashion Week to marry them off before they can vote. Think about it, A&E. Everyone knows what Phil Robertson is now, so why not make some money letting him be himself for a nation of gawkers. 

Amanda Marcotte is a Brooklyn-based writer and DoubleX contributor. She also writes regularly for the Daily Beast, AlterNet, and USA Today. Follow her on Twitter.

TODAY IN SLATE

Politics

The Democrats’ War at Home

How can the president’s party defend itself from the president’s foreign policy blunders?

Congress’ Public Shaming of the Secret Service Was Political Grandstanding at Its Best

Michigan’s Tradition of Football “Toughness” Needs to Go—Starting With Coach Hoke

A Plentiful, Renewable Resource That America Keeps Overlooking

Animal manure.

Windows 8 Was So Bad That Microsoft Will Skip Straight to Windows 10

Politics

Cringing. Ducking. Mumbling.

How GOP candidates react whenever someone brings up reproductive rights or gay marriage.

Building a Better Workplace

You Deserve a Pre-cation

The smartest job perk you’ve never heard of.

Hasbro Is Cracking Down on Scrabble Players Who Turn Its Official Word List Into Popular Apps

The Ludicrous Claims You’ll Hear at This Company’s “Egg Freezing Parties”

  News & Politics
Politics
Sept. 30 2014 9:33 PM Political Theater With a Purpose Darrell Issa’s public shaming of the head of the Secret Service was congressional grandstanding at its best.
  Business
Buy a Small Business
Oct. 1 2014 11:43 AM “I Didn’t Want to Build the Next Twitter for Cats” Search funds are the quiet, dependable, risk-averse sibling to the startup. 
  Life
The Vault
Oct. 1 2014 10:49 AM James Meredith, Determined to Enroll at Ole Miss, Declares His Purpose in a 1961 Letter
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 30 2014 12:34 PM Parents, Get Your Teenage Daughters the IUD
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Oct. 1 2014 10:54 AM “I Need a Pair of Pants That Won’t Bore Me to Death” Troy Patterson talks about looking sharp, flat-top fades, and being Slate’s Gentleman Scholar.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Oct. 1 2014 10:44 AM Everyone’s Favorite Bob’s Burgers Character Gets a Remix You Can Dance to
  Technology
Future Tense
Oct. 1 2014 11:41 AM Study: Narcissists Watch More Porn Online
  Health & Science
Bad Astronomy
Oct. 1 2014 7:30 AM Say Hello to Our Quasi-Moon, 2014 OL339
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 30 2014 5:54 PM Goodbye, Tough Guy It’s time for Michigan to fire its toughness-obsessed coach, Brady Hoke.