How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Go Crazy Before Committing.

What Women Really Think
June 7 2013 1:39 PM

How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Go Crazy Before Committing.

Earlier this week we asked you, readers, to write in telling us how you maintain desire in a long-term relationship. We wanted solutions you may have found to the problem of monogamy, experiments that have failed, and perhaps a defense of sexual fidelity itself. Many of you responded. We published some responses yesterday and have a few more today.

From: Caroline


So the question was “How can women maintain desire within long-term committed relationships?”
I'm 34 years old, I've been with my partner for two years now and can see myself spending the rest of life with him. My solution to maintain desire? Two things:
1) Brutal (but considerate) honesty: Very early on we promised each other to be honest about what we like, if something the other does doesn't float our boat, if the other is letting him/herself go physically, if we want to try something new, etc. And we're doing it! We are honest with each other and can take constructive criticism knowing that it will only improve our relationship. It doesn't mean we have to accept everything that's being said/suggested but at least the door is open to discussing it (and that's not just in the bedroom).
2) I've "been there, done that." Prior to meeting my partner, I had been quite... "adventurous" sexually. I tried many things, with good and less good people, and with good and less good results. And so I truly, deeply, know I'm not missing anything out there. My partner is kind, considerate, kinky and always puts my pleasure first (unless I ask him otherwise). He has taken the time learn what I like, and me what he likes, and we happen to be completely compatible (that's probably down to luck). Throughout all my "experiments" I've never been as sexually satisfied as I am today, so I don't miss the one-night stands, the weird (and sometimes borderline creepy) locales, etc. Having a comparison point, I know what I have now is the best for me, so I can't see myself growing tired of it. What I'm saying basically is that I can't get too much of a good thing. And I know, should I miss "sexual adventure" some time, I can talk to my partner about trying it together (as per 1 above).

Previously in this series:



Scalia’s Liberal Streak

The conservative justice’s most brilliant—and surprisingly progressive—moments on the bench.

Scotland Votes to Remain in U.K.

There’s a Way to Keep Ex-Cons Out of Prison That Pays for Itself. Why Don’t More States Use It?

The Music Industry Is Ignoring Some of the Best Black Women Singing R&B

Can Democrats Keep Counting on Republicans to Offend Women as a Campaign Strategy?


Theo’s Joint and Vanessa’s Whiskey

No sitcom did the “Very Special Episode” as well as The Cosby Show.


The Other Huxtable Effect

Thirty years ago, The Cosby Show gave us one of TV’s great feminists.

Cliff Huxtable Explains the World: Five Lessons From TV’s Greatest Dad

Why Television Needs a New Cosby Show Right Now

  News & Politics
Sept. 18 2014 8:20 PM A Clever Attempt at Explaining Away a Vote Against the Farm Bill
Sept. 18 2014 6:02 PM A Chinese Company Just Announced the Biggest IPO in U.S. History
The Slate Quiz
Sept. 18 2014 11:44 PM Play the Slate News Quiz With Jeopardy! superchampion Ken Jennings.
  Double X
Sept. 18 2014 8:07 PM Crying Rape False rape accusations exist, and they are a serious problem.
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Sept. 18 2014 1:23 PM “It’s Not Every Day That You Can Beat the World Champion” An exclusive interview with chess grandmaster Fabiano Caruana.
Brow Beat
Sept. 18 2014 4:33 PM The Top 5 Dadsplaining Moments From The Cosby Show
Future Tense
Sept. 18 2014 6:48 PM By 2100 the World's Population Could Be 11 Billion
  Health & Science
Sept. 18 2014 3:35 PM Do People Still Die of Rabies? And how do you know if an animal is rabid?
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.