How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Costumes.

The XX Factor
What Women Really Think
June 6 2013 2:59 PM

How Do You Maintain Desire in a Long-Term Relationship? Costumes.

Earlier this week we asked you, readers, to write in telling us how you maintain desire in a long-term relationship. We wanted solutions you may have found to the problem of monogamy, experiments that have failed, and perhaps a defense of sexual fidelity itself. Many of you responded. We’ll be publishing some of these responses today and tomorrow.

From: Christine


For me, the key has been finding a partner who really can be everything that I desire sexually. My current partner is terrific in all those same ways, and a few new ones. He listens to my fantasies, gets my kinks, is willing to explore them with me—or not, as the case may be. Sometimes, it really is just the fantasy that's the turn-on. But we also have not one but two boxes of adult toys, and like to play with all of them. (Not all at once.) He keeps in shape, which not only makes him attractive to me, but also gives him a lot of stamina.

We indulge in a lot of role-play. Sometimes, there are costumes involved. We can be anyone we want to be—Batman and Harley Quinn is a favorite encounter, but there's also the "navy sailor and native girl" or "vampire and werewolf" scenario. We have fun in bed—we laugh as much as we moan. We don't take anything too seriously—so if the bullet vibe falls out of the harness, someone's wig comes loose, or too much bouncing shifts the bed frame and makes it collapse, we fix the problem, remove it entirely, or ignore it and move on. Little glitches don't have to ruin the whole night.

And finally, he never fails to make me feel like a sexual creature. Even on those days from hell—the car broke down, I had to work late, dinner plans were ruined, and the kids drag their feet about the housework—he makes me feel desired. But he never makes me feel like his desire is my responsibility. Instead, he'll do what he can to make it easier for me—run a bath, pour a drink, ride herd on the kids, order in a pizza—and then whisper an idea for "when [I'm] feeling better." Somehow, that makes me feel better a lot faster, and I can't wait to finish my drink and lock the bedroom door.

Previously in this series:



The Ebola Story

How our minds build narratives out of disaster.

The Budget Disaster That Completely Sabotaged the WHO’s Response to Ebola

PowerPoint Is the Worst, and Now It’s the Latest Way to Hack Into Your Computer

The Shooting Tragedies That Forged Canada’s Gun Politics

A Highly Unscientific Ranking of Crazy-Old German Beers


Welcome to 13th Grade!

Some high schools are offering a fifth year. That’s a great idea.


The Actual World

“Mount Thoreau” and the naming of things in the wilderness.

Want Kids to Delay Sex? Let Planned Parenthood Teach Them Sex Ed.

Would You Trust Walmart to Provide Your Health Care? (You Should.)

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