Mitt Romney Tries to Convince Us He Is Not Satan's Minion

What Women Really Think
Aug. 31 2012 1:32 PM

Mitt Romney Tries to Convince Us That He's Not Satan's Minion

151012550
Ted and Pat Oparowksy spoke movingly about how Romney helped their dying son.

Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images

Last night was “Meet a Mormon” night at the RNC, part of Romney’s strategy to educate evangelicals who have decided, quite arbitrarily, that their faith is less fanciful than his. To that end a couple far too decent to be onstage told stories of Mitt Romney's kindness during the death of their son, and a woman told of Mitt crying as he held her sick, prematurely born daughter. I found it moving, but then, I like Mormons and admire them for their over-representation in So You Think You Can Dance. What’s Romney up against? It’s surely difficult for Godless Slate readers to understand; you didn’t even know about the body’s rape pregnancy defense mechanism until this month.

Prosaic anti-Mormonism merely attempts to expose Joseph Smith as a fraudulent prophet. But if the natural world is as alive to you as it is to some Christians, sinister forces manifest where others might see mere falsehood. In this paper on Contemporary Evangelical Anti-Mormonism, sociologist Massimo Introvigne quotes preachers who believe Satan invented Mormonism to lure Christians from the true God. “New age anti-Mormons” believe Satan and his Mormon friends designed the spires of the Mormon church to represent an upside down nail, “pointing defiantly toward heaven—as if to impale the Lord Jesus anew when he comes in the clouds of glory." The Mormon temple in Salt Lake is a "perfectly designed habitation for devils.” Mormons worship UFOs. Mormons plan on becoming Gods. Mormon apostles have the number “666” stamped on their foreheads. Mormonism is a “sex cult.” This is where it gets weird. Mormon women are “compelled to submit to a special sexual type of operation” that would “blow the minds” of any doctors given permission to examine them. Mormon temple garments “are held together by a subtle occult web of sexual energy which is activated by pressure from the two highest grips in the LDS Temple endowment.” And so on. 

Advertisement

Yesterday I implied that the stakes were not so high in this election, but that was before I knew Mitt Romney was Satan, sent to entrap us in his occult web of sexual energy. Which sounds promising. If there's anything of interest to be drawn from the tedium of endless election coverage, it's the occasional introduction to imagined worlds we might not otherwise encounter. 

Kerry Howley's work has appeared in the Paris Review, Bookforum, and the New York Times Magazine. She is currently finishing a book about consensual violence, ecstatic experience, and the body.

TODAY IN SLATE

Politics

Meet the New Bosses

How the Republicans would run the Senate.

The U.S. Is So, So Far Behind Europe on Clean Energy

The Government Is Giving Millions of Dollars in Electric-Car Subsidies to the Wrong Drivers

Even if You Don’t Like Batman, You Might Like Gotham

Friends Was the Last Purely Pleasurable Sitcom

The Eye

This Whimsical Driverless Car Imagines Transportation in 2059

Medical Examiner

Did America Get Fat by Drinking Diet Soda?  

A high-profile study points the finger at artificial sweeteners.

A Woman Who Escaped the Extreme Babymaking Christian Fundamentalism of Quiverfull

John Oliver Debunks the Miss America Pageant’s Claim That It Gives Out $45 Million in Scholarships

Trending News Channel
Sept. 20 2014 11:13 AM Watch Flashes of Lightning Created in a Lab  
  News & Politics
Over There
Sept. 22 2014 1:29 PM “That’s Called Jim Crow” Philip Gourevitch on America’s hypocritical interventions in Africa.
  Business
Moneybox
Sept. 22 2014 1:37 PM Subprime Loans Are Back! And believe it or not, that’s a good thing.
  Life
Outward
Sept. 22 2014 2:55 PM Nuptial Expert Sarkozy Worries About Gay Marriage and the Family
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 22 2014 12:29 PM Escaping the Extreme Christian Fundamentalism of "Quiverfull"
  Slate Plus
Slate Plus
Sept. 22 2014 1:52 PM Tell Us What You Think About Slate Plus Help us improve our new membership program.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 22 2014 3:16 PM Watch the Best Part of Beyoncé and Jay Z’s On the Run Tour
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 22 2014 12:14 PM Family Court Rules That You Can Serve Someone With Legal Papers Over Facebook
  Health & Science
Science
Sept. 22 2014 12:15 PM The Changing Face of Climate Change Will the leaders of the People’s Climate March now lead the movement?
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 18 2014 11:42 AM Grandmaster Clash One of the most amazing feats in chess history just happened, and no one noticed.