A Nation Asks: Where Is the Paul Ryan Porn Parody?

The XX Factor
What Women Really Think
Aug. 29 2012 10:46 AM

A Nation Asks: Where Is the Paul Ryan Porn?

150452330
Would certainly be better than Joe Biden porn.

Photo by Gerardo Mora/Getty Images

“Paul Ryan is nice on the eyes. He’s young and conventionally attractive. If he didn’t hate gay people, women, and poor people, maybe I would give him a shot,” 19-year-old Marie Reimers dished on her blog yesterday. “I can’t help but be disappointed in the lack of Paul Ryan porn.”

Amanda Hess Amanda Hess

Amanda Hess is a Slate staff writer. 

Blame Hustler for Reimers’ hardcore expectations. Just days after Sarah Palin was plucked from Alaska to serve as John McCain's running mate in 2008, Hustler was trolling Craigslist for a Palin lookalike to star in a pornographic spoof based on her nomination. By October, veteran “MILF” performer Lisa Ann had snagged the role, donned Palin’s rimless glasses, and shed her shiny skirt suit for the explicit parody “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” (The answer included two Russian soldiers, the proprietor of a snowmobile dealership, a college professor, Bill O’Reilly, Hillary Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice). Hustler’s Palin series spawned four sequels (in which Palin was paired with President Obama, David Letterman, and Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean) and a half-dozen imitators. Four years later, Lisa Ann is still milking the likeness—though Palin herself has since fallen out of favor in the Grand Old Party, Lisa Ann was paid to impersonate her at a Tampa strip club during this week’s Republican National Convention.

Advertisement

At first glance, Paul Ryan is as ripe for pornographic skewering as his veep nominee predecessor. He’s been the target of sexually-tinged titters since he was announced as Mitt Romney’s running mate earlier this month. His looks have inspired two “Paul Ryan Gosling” memes—one executed by conservative fangirls, the other by progressive parodists. There’s no lack of male adult performers who could pull off the role (Ryan’s gel-haired middle-aged white boy look is well-represented in the porn industry). And like Palin, his sexual politics should ignite any pornographer’s libertarian ire—Ryan opposes gay civil rights, considers rape a “method of conception,” and is now a part of a ticket that promises to crack down on porn.

He's also a man. And while the porn industry is eager to spoof female politicians simply for existing—2008 also brought us the primary-season porn parody “Hillary for President”—it generally only targets male politicians after they sexualize their own image by way of a high-profile scandal. Even then—in keeping with the gender dynamics of most heterosexual porn—the focus remains mostly on the politician’s female partners. In 1998, Bill Clinton’s prop-heavy Oval Office affair with Monica Lewinsky provided enough fodder for two explicit spoofs, “Sex, Lies, & The President” and the Italian “Sex Gate.” More recent ripped-from-the-headlines political parodies include “Gov Love: The Eliot Spitz-Her Story” and “Vote for Rush,” featuring a Limbaugh impersonator who has sex with a raft of “‘slutty’ birth-control-popping coeds,” one named “Sandrah.” (The film’s clunky subtitle: “I Put My Foot In My Mouth Again. And My Cock In Her Mouth!”).

The notable exception? President Obama, who hasn’t been involved in any sex scandals, but is black—and so has become a target of the adult industry’s uncomfortable fascination with interracial porn featuring black men and white women. That racial dynamic plays out in “Barrack’s Big Stimulus Package,” “Barrack’s Presidential Briefs,” and a BBW title styled after Obama’s 2009 car rebate system called “Cash for Chunkers.” (George W. Bush’s presidency inspired at least three pornographic film titles—“The Bush Administration,” “Fuck Bush,” and “No More Bush”—but none of them included any W.-specific content beyond the anatomical pun).

Of course, no politician has courted so much pornographic attention as Palin, whose 2008 nomination dovetailed with the height of the porn parody trend, creating the perfect storm of politi-porn (commentators had anointed Palin a VILF—a "Veep I'd Like to Fuck"—even before Hustler came calling). Because Palin is both an attractive woman and a Republican, she was an obvious target for the porn industry’s frothy mix of progressive politics and professional misogyny. The Hustler parodies of Palin were designed not only to capitalize on Palin's sex appeal, but also to insult her intelligence and skewer her conservative beliefs: In one scene in the original film, Palin dates the Earth at 10,000 years old, asserts that fossils are a trick planted by Satan, and professes a belief in witchcraft. Then, a college professor performs cunnilingus on her.

Hustler’s most famous act of sexual humiliation targeted a man—in 1983, the magazine published a satirical ad in which fundamentalist Jerry Falwell claims to have lost his virginity in an outhouse incident featuring bestiality and incest (Falwell sued, and the case made it all the way to the Supreme Court). As conservative female figures have risen in prominence, though, porn peddlers have focused their lampoons on them, producing material meant to simultaneously shame social conservatives and arouse the First Amendment set. This May, Hustler magazine Photoshopped a penis into the mouth of conservative commentator S.E. Cupp. In 2009, Playboy printed a list of 10 conservative women its editors would like to “hate fuck.”

But if Lisa Ann’s current stripping gig is any indication, hardcore Palin is not just about appealing to left wing disdain. According to the Association of Club Executives, which represents strip clubs, Republicans outspend Democrats three-to-one at strip clubs during political conventions, and states teeming with religious conservatives are also among the highest in porn consumers. And Lisa Ann has said that the role has earned her plenty of conservative admirers. (Apparently, sexually humiliating female politicians is the great uniter.) "Do you know how many guys at the airport have told me they voted for Palin because they thought she was hot?” Lisa Ann, a Democrat, told one interviewer. “I tell them, 'Don't vote.’”

So what about that P90X porn? It’s early, yet—the porn industry still has a couple of months to cash in on a Ryan title. Three adult industry publicists I contacted said they weren’t aware of any political porn in the pipeline pegged to the all-male tickets this election cycle, but said they’d be surprised if one didn’t surface by November. (My request to Hustler went unanswered, so I have yet to suggest "Hey, Girl: This Ain't Paul Ryan XXX".) If it happens, Reimers will be watching: "Although I do find Ryan attractive—strictly physical, I swear!–I would watch it to analyze," she told me. "Or laugh."