When it comes to wedding planning, the federal government probably isn’t the first place you’d turn for advice, but to everyone’s surprise the Centers for Disease Control has put together a handy “Wedding Day Survival Guide.” No, it’s not filled with tips on what to do if all of your guests come down with Bird Flu, though it does dwell more on the emergency aspects of a wedding. These range from a torn dress to severe weather or, most terrifying, “a bridezilla on the loose."
Like their earlier guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse, the wedding manual is clearly a goofy attempt to convince us that the CDC is cool and not just full of safety nerds. It will also no doubt make a lovely example for those who like to lament the misuse of precious taxpayer dollars, but it actually does offer some useful advice.
Basically, the directions all boil down to being prepared. The CDC suggests putting together a bridal kit, which is a souped-up version of their ever-popular go-bag:
The bridal kit should include extra safety pins, makeup for touchups, maybe a few sedatives. It also wouldn’t hurt to have the essentials from a home emergency kit or “go-bag” by your side. You never know when you might need to bandage up a clumsy flower girl, revive a passed out reception guest, or even evacuate. A first aid kit, bottles of water, snacks, medications, extra cash, and important documents are just a few of the more practical items to have handy. If you’re the bride, add this to the list of things you need your maid of honor or someone in the bridal party to put together for you.
God, pretty soon you’re going to have to be CPR-certified to qualify as a bridesmaid. Oh, also, the CDC suggests you familiarize yourself with the emergency plans and evacuation routes at your venue, just in case you encounter a worst-case scenario. That’s definitely something you could have your officiant super casually drop into your ceremony, “We are gathered here today—for now, but if something goes wrong, please look for the illuminated exit signs in the back of the sanctuary…”
If this is all a bit too doom and gloom, perhaps you’ll find their tips on handling an out-of-control bride more helpful:
You never know when Bridezilla might pop up. When dealing with an emotional bride, try to remember your loved one is probably stressed out and will soon return to her caring self after the wedding is over. Be supportive and have some bottled water from your emergency kit and a box of chocolate on hand.
Well, there you have it, direct from the government: the key to surviving your wedding day is to down a box of chocolate before you walk down the aisle, because even the Surgeon General knows that nothing calms a woman like chocolate. If that doesn’t work, take a few of those sedatives you have on hand—just don’t take so many that you’re too doped up to find the emergency exit if a tornado comes swooping in while you’re saying “I do.”
TODAY IN SLATE
The Democrats’ War at Home
How can the president’s party defend itself from the president’s foreign policy blunders?
Congress’ Public Shaming of the Secret Service Was Political Grandstanding at Its Best
Michigan’s Tradition of Football “Toughness” Needs to Go—Starting With Coach Hoke
Windows 8 Was So Bad That Microsoft Will Skip Straight to Windows 10
A Plentiful, Renewable Resource That America Keeps Overlooking
Cringing. Ducking. Mumbling.
How GOP candidates react whenever someone brings up reproductive rights or gay marriage.
You Deserve a Pre-cation
The smartest job perk you’ve never heard of.