During Sex, I'd Rather Be in the Moment Than Fantasizing

What Women Really Think
Oct. 28 2009 1:07 PM

During Sex, I'd Rather Be in the Moment Than Fantasizing

Here is a response from another reader to my question about the role that fantasy plays in your sex life .

Sexual fantasy only played and plays a part in my life when I am lonely. I grew up in a loosely Christian household, meaning that we didn't really talk about sex and I always felt awkward seeing sensual scenes on TV when my family was watching. It was something that was for adults, I was told, and so to venture into the realm of sexuality I felt I had to keep it covered up. The first fantasies I can recall involve having sex with men in their 20s or 30s, because when I started masturbating around age 11 to some porn magazines of my father's I had found by accident, I had seen only male-female hardcore interaction. Eventually my fantasies turned from just regular consensual encounters to rape scenarios-no violence, just aggression. Safe aggression. My favorite one was of a man in his 30s approaching me from behind and pushing me up against a metal chain-link fence to have sex from behind, pushing my clothes aside as necessary but always having a soft, firm grasp on my body. Throughout the whole fantasy I was never scared, and I didn't know enough about the idea of rape and the power dynamics back then to realize how dangerous and horrible of a situation rape really is. The idea that appealed most to me was the idea that a man wanted me, and found me attractive, and would please me aggressively-having never felt attractive until my early 20s, it was important to me in my mind to have my fantasies featuring males aggressively desiring sex with me, not desiring love with me, and not wanting to harm me. Eventually, I started using the early Internet to look up porn on the computer because I was curious, and as I learned of new things and different types of sexuality, I became more sexually explorative, as did my fantasies. When I was old enough to realize the complications and terror behind rape, rape fantasies immediately stopped.

When I was in my first year of high school, my fantasies turned to more lesbian-based fantasies because I did not feel attractive to my male peers and felt that women never showed me any disinterest, so they could still desire me but not hurt me. I've never been in love with women and do not consider myself to be bisexual because in the end, women are like playthings to me. They're wonderful people and fun to be with in bed, but that's it-they're like objects in my fantasy bedroom-and I've always loved and been truly attracted to men. When I went to college, I blossomed into my sexuality and lost my virginity, and my fantasies became focused on men again because now they were prevalent and eager to have sex with me. Additionally, I noticed the foreplay became prevalent in the fantasies when they had not really been a factor or even present before. Fantasies were only used by me during masturbation and NEVER sex.

As I began acting upon my sexual fantasies in college, I found that I did not need them as much, and so long as I was having regular sex I rarely had fantasies. My fantasies have always reflected my inner emotion, but I have never needed them to achieve climax, and actually prefer being "in the moment" during sexual encounters now. I'm now engaged to the most wonderful man, and my fiancé is in the army in Iraq. Since he's overseas, my fantasies have been regularly occurring again since I am lonely with no sexual interaction but the phone and cyber sex we try to have and the photos we send one another (I hear I'm kind of a small-celebrity Army pinup right now haha). My fantasies are currently a mix: 5 percent are of the group sex experiences I had in college, and the other 95 percent involve my fiancé and me-sometimes him, me, and another person, but mostly just one-on-one sessions.

My fantasies last as long as my masturbation sessions do, which can range anywhere from a few minutes to hours. I tend to relive intense parts of fantasies over and over again during masturbation, like hitting the rewind button on your favorite part of a movie. When my life is "regular" (fiancé is home, job is stable, sex is regular, etc.), my fantasies and my masturbation only happen once a day, if that. However given my current "drought" I find myself plagued with fantasies at work, home, and out with friends-especially when under marijuana and alcoholic influence. I currently masturbate about three times a day regularly, and the intensity of the sessions often depends on the level of stress in my life, and how lonely I feel.

I hope this helped you in some way-lovely to see you're continuing your research. I look forward to reading more from you soon!

Daniel Bergner is the author of the new book What Do Women Want? Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.