In Life I Battle With My Weight. In My Fantasies I’m a Hottie (or a Man)

What Women Really Think
Sept. 23 2009 6:23 PM

In Life I Battle With My Weight. In My Fantasies I’m a Hottie (or a Man)

Another reader responds about the way that fantasy fits into her sexual desires :

I probably should not begin writing this now ... being as tired as I am at the moment ... forging ahead ... I am a single woman, in my early 40s, in management, white/European descent, raised in the northeast, now settled in South Florida, some college ... am I rambling already ...?

Sexually speaking, I became sexually active at 14 with boys. At 23, I came out as a lesbian and dated only women for 12 years. Since my early 30s, my feelings on sexuality and gender can be summarized as follows, "If I like you, then I like you ... and what it is about you that makes you who you are. It's less about what's underneath a person's clothes, than what's in a person's heart that attracts me to them." I'm not a fan of labels, but if I had to, I would label myself a bisexual woman.

As a single woman, my sex life is 100 percent fantasy and self-gratification. Sexual fantasy (for me) is paramount to enjoyable playtime and climax. I have even stopped cold, on occasion, when my mind was "just not there" and I couldn't work out an enjoyable fantasy/idea/scenario in my head. It's usually not a problem if I think long enough. ;-) But, there are times when there is no person or situation off of which to build ... and if I'm tired enough, it's OK ... I'll skip it ... There's always tomorrow.

My fantasies run first and foremost to being someone else / looking completely different than I actually do, than toward exhibitionism or dominating someone else. But not at the same time.

I've always battled with my weight. More often than anything else, my fantasies are just good ole enthusiastic hot sex (with a celebrity, a co-worker, that cute bartender from the other night, etc. ...), but what's so hot is me, because I'm so slender and amazing looking. To play armchair psychiatrist, I'm not a hottie, but I wish I was. There is nowhere better than in my fantasies to envision myself as perfect.

I have held close a fantasy since (possibly) early high school of having sex on stage (originally with a man ..., later on a woman ..., and throughout by myself). The theater is dark, with one spotlight on the stage. There is a cane-back chair (a la Cabaret ) and, well, there might be music. If there is, it's not relevant. The sex itself is fairly straightforward. Nothing acrobatic or terribly complicated. Just the feeling of being an object of fantasy ... of being a hot, platinum blonde (think M. Monroe or Playboy ) ... of being the impetus of desire in the audiences' loins. It occurs to me I have never given any thought to the make-up of the audience. I may be more of a narcissist than I originally thought.

Another semi-regular fantasy also involves "being" someone else, combined with domination ... This is far harder to write about than it might sound. In the fantasy, I'm a male (and not a particularly nice one) who is basically having his dick sucked by some generic, hot bimbo in an equally degrading location (like an alley behind a bar or in a men's bathroom). I cringe now when I think of the demanding, degrading tone I take with "my partner." But, when this is the scenario that works ... there is certainly no cringing.

Some insight: I think this scenario comes up more frequently as my stress level goes up at work. When I feel squashed down or unhappy, it becomes my desire to "pay it forward" and make someone else feel like shit, like I do. Of course, I would never treat anyone that way in real life, so my mind lets me bitch slap some ho' ... tell her to suck it harder ... and feel both satisfied and disgusted all at the same time.

My sexual desire tends to run in cycles. The 10 days leading up to the start of my monthly cycle is when desire is highest. I may masturbate daily during that time. As the cycle wanes, I will usually slack off and may only do this once a week. If I really feel like crap, I can be a sexual camel and just put it out of my mind until I forget how long it's been. On the other hand, when I drop weight and work out regularly, it's all I can do to not trawl the bars and fuck everyone.

Once I have a fairly good idea where (or with whom) my fantasy is going, the time needed isn't long. Sometimes I need only a few minutes (!), sometimes as long as 20-30 minutes. If I use a dildo, it can either make me climax way too fast, or complicate everything and turn it into a marathon. One toy I don't use is a vibrator. They're too strong and make my clitoris retract practically up into my chest cavity.

Hope this was OK to get the ball rolling. Glad to be of assistance in some small way!

Daniel Bergner is the author of the new book What Do Women Want? Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.