Another reader describes the role that fantasy plays in her sex life .
Fantasy is the essence of my sexual life. Fantasy is what brings novelty to sex within a long-term commitment; without fantasy sex becomes a callisthenic exercise.
I didn't begin fantasizing during sex until I was nearly 30. For most of my early 20s, I was able to keep my sex life interesting by sleeping with new people in new places-but at 25 I began to date the man I would later marry, and the variety I had once enjoyed slowly began to disappear. This is not to say the sex was bad-it was always enjoyable, and I was able to achieve small orgasms, which could easily happen 20 times in an hour. Each one was a very small peak, but the orgasms would build on each other; while I'd never experienced the volcanic eruptions I'd heard other women describe, with enough "mini-orgasms" I could reach heights of euphoria.
I can't remember what inspired me to start fantasizing during sex, but perhaps three years ago, I did so in conjunction with intense stimulation from my husband (simultaneous clitoral and vaginal) -and I experienced my first mind-blowing orgasm. I felt muscles throughout my entire body contract uncontrollably. When it was over, some of my world view had changed-I had to wonder if my previous mini-orgasms really orgasms at all. I began to lose interest in the mini-orgasms, and the big ones became easier and easier for me to achieve. To reach the "big" orgasm, there could be some variation as far as the method of physical stimulation is concerned-but to the best of my memory, there was always fantasy.
My fantasies most often revolve around power and power imbalances, and often taboos. In a milder fantasy I might imagine I am a young virgin peasant girl whose family is one of many that works the land of a rich land owner; the landowner or his son forces himself on me, and I know I have no choice but to let him do what he wants. Or I might imagine I am the school whore, or a social misfit, and the football team is taking turns with me. From there, the fantasies get more hard-core. Many of my fantasies involve things that disturb me in my non-sex life; it is often hard for me to find the right balance between too soft-core and too hard-core. It seems that ideas that gross me out-but not too much-cause my vaginal muscles to contract, and this leads to my orgasms. On a few occasions I've gone too far in my fantasies, and ended up disturbing myself (and then not wanting sex anymore). Because this fantasy life is still relatively new to me, I am still coming to terms with the fact that things that I find to be wrong (rape; taking advantage of those without power) are the things that bring me to orgasm.
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