CPAC 2014: The Ultimate Conservative Speech

Reporting on Politics and Policy.
March 10 2014 6:17 PM

CPAC 2014: The Ultimate Conservative Speech

The following is a "speech" composed of applause lines from various CPAC speeches. I think it hangs together.

Thank you. If you are at CPAC, by definition you are a young person, because you believe in the future of America. You're never too young or too old to make a difference in politics. It's like y'all went rogue. 

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We have to stop letting the media define who we are and what we stand for. The political and media elites are lying to us. They are tolerant of diversity except when you disagree with them. Our ideas are better than their ideas. We need to abolish the IRS. Personal courage is abolishing the IRS. We need to stop the lawlessness. 

do not like this Uncle Sam. I do not like his health care scam. Under Barack Obama, you can murder his personal representative and get away scot-free. If that's your attitude, Mr. President, what the hell are we paying you for? I'd consider suing Harvard Law School to get his money back, because I'm not sure what he learned in three years. To Jimmy Carter, I want to issue a sincere apology. It is no longer accurate to say he is the worst president of my lifetime. The Supreme Court voted against this president 9–0.

Parents, not unions, should be the focus of our public education. We trust parents to make the best decisions for their children. The United Nations cannot do this. In fact, they cannot do anything.

If you want to keep your doctor, you may have to change your congressman. Conservative Republicans, we're going to take the Senate. Taking the gavel out of Harry Reid's hand on the first Tuesday in November is going to be pretty darn sweet. The truth is, that if we don't change these pensions, you're not going to collect them.

If you vote for candidates who think it's the role of the state to provide health care, don't complain when your hospitals are as badly run as everything else run by the state. They put forth candidates who keep apologizing for the values they believe in, and then they wonder why they lose. We're spending money in other places where they don't want us, and frankly, I don't want them.

We must stop this president from shredding the Constitution. The Fourth Amendment is equally as important as the Second Amendment, and conservatives cannot forget this. There is no greater freedom than the right to survive and protect our families with all the rifles, shotguns, and handguns we want. This fight was our fight, and we pushed back, and we won. And now everyone is happy, happy, happy.

We don't have an income inequality problem—we have an opportunity inequality problem in this country, because government's trying to control the private market. Perhaps liberals are talking so much about income inequality right now because they hope you won't notice how much worse they have made it. We are not waging a war on women simply because we believe there is no reason for birth control to be free.

There is no other country that I would rather be. We either have borders, or we don't. I will continue to defy the PC police. I will not retreat an inch, and I will be heard. We start in one month on the Old Post Office, which is an incredible building.

May God bless each of you as you strive for freedom and to create a more perfect union, and may God always continue to bless our great nation. God bless.

David Weigel is a Slate political reporter. 

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