Mitt Romney didn't just win Puerto Rico. He rolled across it in a tank, trailed by elephants and flamethrower-wielding cyborgs, stomping his rivals into pieces so small that they couldn't be ID'd at the morgue. The near-final vote tally shows Romney with 83 percent of the vote, closing in on 100,000 total ballots, better than 10 times as many as Rick Santorum. Santorum spent the bulk of two days in the state, earning... well, he did get a day of "did he make a gaffe?" coverage after suggesting English as a precondition for Puerto Rican statehood (totally reasonable, by the way), and he did have a gay blogger publish a photo of him lying shirtless and prone on a beach.

A comparison: Barack Obama was hopelessly behind Hillary Clinton in 2008's Puerto Rico primary. He campaigned there anyway. He got 32 percent of the vote, denying Clinton a delegate landslide. No such luck for Santorum. He gets zero delegates to Romney's 20.

Joseph Curl adds to the "Palin is secretly a genius" canon. Key line: "Her mind is a steel trap."

And Fred Karger, the gay stunt candidate, polls more than 1000 votes in Puerto Rico, nearly doubling his total for the primary so far, thanks to his weeklong campaign there. (Karger has chosen to make stands in New Hampshire in January and Puerto Rico in March.)