The Future History of Karen Handel

Reporting on Politics and Policy.
Feb. 7 2012 12:36 PM

The Future History of Karen Handel

(Editor's note: Former Georgia Secretary of State Karen Handel resigned today from Susan G. Komen for the Cure, after a week of criticism on the foundation's decision to cut off grants to Planned Parenthood. "I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it," said Handel. "I openly acknowledge my role in the matter and continue to believe our decision was the best one for Komen’s future and the women we serve."

David Weigel David Weigel

David Weigel is a reporter for Bloomberg Politics

Based on what's happened to other people chased out of jobs by politics, this is how I see Handel's future playing out. It's a parody. Any resemblence to the names of people living or dead is unintentional.)

Advertisement

FEBRUARY 2012

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF KOMEN, KAREN HANDEL, JOINS FOX NEWS AS CONTRIBUTOR

FOX News has signed former Susan G. Komen for the Cure vice president Karen Handel, as a contributor, announced Michael Clemente, Senior Vice President of News Editorial for the network. Handel will offer commentary and analysis across all FOX News platforms and will participate in programming leading up to the 2012 Presidential elections, or whenever Barack Obama does something that irritates pro-life activists, or whenever Sarah Palin is too busy.

In making the announcement, Clemente said, “Karen Handel's long experience in politics and charity will add a valuable point of view to our line-up."

Handel added, “I’m pleased to offer analysis of public policy and politics to the millions of Americans who get their news from FOX, born and unborn.”

MARCH 2012

Karen Handel Inks Book Deal
Exclusive to Publisher's Weekly

Former Komen vice president Karen Handel is following in the footsteps of Carrie Prejean and Christine O'Donnell, conservative women who turned political controversies into PR gold. HarperCollins will pay Handel a reported "seven figure" sum for a memoir, tentatively titled It Takes a Hero: A Life Spent Defending Life from Liberals, the Media, Lucifer, and People Who Write Online Petitions.

JANUARY 2013

Karen Handel movie scores surprising ratings win
by Harry Seldon, special to TV Guide

Who saw this one coming? For the first time, an ABC Family original movie won the Nielsens, scoring a 21.9 share that outpaced the NFC championship gave and the hotly anticipated "backwards episode" of the smash hit series Community. Not Without My Pink Ribbon, a drama about the life of former Komen executive Karen Handel, won praise for a strong starring performance by Patricia Heaton (Handel) and a surprising comeback role by Kirk Cameron, who played the Archangel Michael. And there's more early Emmy buzz about Andy Serkis's CGI-enhanced role as a baby saved from abortion by Handel.

NOVEMBER 2028

Handel wins presidency; All-female team will be nation's first
by Iris Grim, Buzzfeed

ATLANTA -- Republican nominee Karen Handel has won the 2028 presidential election, an astonishing comeback for a woman who became a national martyr in the early-century abortion wars.

"This is not a victory for me," Handel told 100,000 supporters at a celebration here. "This is a victory for the American people."

The victory was closer than late polls suggested, with Handel's victory over Democrat-Scientology fusion candidate Gavin Newsom only becoming clear after ballots from Wisconsin's Waukesha County were counted. Some analysts suggested that Handel's running mate, Bristol Palin, weakened the ticket with "inexplicable" campaign trail antics.

In an interview with ABC News, a subsidiary of Buzzfeed-Halliburton, Handel's chief strategist Ari Fleischer downplayed that criticism. The passage of the 35th Amendment, which granted full voting rights at conception, gave the Handel-Palin campaign an early cushion of votes, something the Newsom-Cruise ticket never overcame.

"It probably didn't hurt that a flood took out the entire Eastern Seaboard," Fleischer added.

David Weigel is a reporter for Bloomberg Politics

TODAY IN SLATE

Foreigners

The World’s Politest Protesters

The Occupy Central demonstrators are courteous. That’s actually what makes them so dangerous.

The Religious Right Is Not Happy With Republicans  

The XX Factor
Oct. 1 2014 4:58 PM The Religious Right Is Not Happy With Republicans  

The Feds Have Declared War on Encryption—and the New Privacy Measures From Apple and Google

The One Fact About Ebola That Should Calm You

It spreads slowly.

These “Dark” Lego Masterpieces Are Delightful and Evocative

Crime

Operation Backbone

How White Boy Rick, a legendary Detroit cocaine dealer, helped the FBI uncover brazen police corruption.

Politics

Talking White

Black people’s disdain for “proper English” and academic achievement is a myth.

Activists Are Trying to Save an Iranian Woman Sentenced to Death for Killing Her Alleged Rapist

Piper Kerman on Why She Dressed Like a Hitchcock Heroine for Her Prison Sentencing

  News & Politics
Politics
Oct. 1 2014 7:26 PM Talking White Black people’s disdain for “proper English” and academic achievement is a myth.
  Business
Moneybox
Oct. 1 2014 2:16 PM Wall Street Tackles Chat Services, Shies Away From Diversity Issues 
  Life
Outward
Oct. 1 2014 6:02 PM Facebook Relaxes Its “Real Name” Policy; Drag Queens Celebrate
  Double X
The XX Factor
Oct. 1 2014 5:11 PM Celebrity Feminist Identification Has Reached Peak Meaninglessness
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Oct. 1 2014 3:24 PM Revelry (and Business) at Mohonk Photos and highlights from Slate’s annual retreat.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Oct. 1 2014 9:39 PM Tom Cruise Dies Over and Over Again in This Edge of Tomorrow Supercut
  Technology
Future Tense
Oct. 1 2014 6:59 PM EU’s Next Digital Commissioner Thinks Keeping Nude Celeb Photos in the Cloud Is “Stupid”
  Health & Science
Science
Oct. 1 2014 4:03 PM Does the Earth Really Have a “Hum”? Yes, but probably not the one you’re thinking.
  Sports
Sports Nut
Oct. 1 2014 5:19 PM Bunt-a-Palooza! How bad was the Kansas City Royals’ bunt-all-the-time strategy in the American League wild-card game?