The Future History of Karen Handel

Reporting on Politics and Policy.
Feb. 7 2012 12:36 PM

The Future History of Karen Handel

(Editor's note: Former Georgia Secretary of State Karen Handel resigned today from Susan G. Komen for the Cure, after a week of criticism on the foundation's decision to cut off grants to Planned Parenthood. "I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it," said Handel. "I openly acknowledge my role in the matter and continue to believe our decision was the best one for Komen’s future and the women we serve."

David Weigel David Weigel

David Weigel is a Slate political reporter. 

Based on what's happened to other people chased out of jobs by politics, this is how I see Handel's future playing out. It's a parody. Any resemblence to the names of people living or dead is unintentional.)

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FEBRUARY 2012

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT OF KOMEN, KAREN HANDEL, JOINS FOX NEWS AS CONTRIBUTOR

FOX News has signed former Susan G. Komen for the Cure vice president Karen Handel, as a contributor, announced Michael Clemente, Senior Vice President of News Editorial for the network. Handel will offer commentary and analysis across all FOX News platforms and will participate in programming leading up to the 2012 Presidential elections, or whenever Barack Obama does something that irritates pro-life activists, or whenever Sarah Palin is too busy.

In making the announcement, Clemente said, “Karen Handel's long experience in politics and charity will add a valuable point of view to our line-up."

Handel added, “I’m pleased to offer analysis of public policy and politics to the millions of Americans who get their news from FOX, born and unborn.”

MARCH 2012

Karen Handel Inks Book Deal
Exclusive to Publisher's Weekly

Former Komen vice president Karen Handel is following in the footsteps of Carrie Prejean and Christine O'Donnell, conservative women who turned political controversies into PR gold. HarperCollins will pay Handel a reported "seven figure" sum for a memoir, tentatively titled It Takes a Hero: A Life Spent Defending Life from Liberals, the Media, Lucifer, and People Who Write Online Petitions.

JANUARY 2013

Karen Handel movie scores surprising ratings win
by Harry Seldon, special to TV Guide

Who saw this one coming? For the first time, an ABC Family original movie won the Nielsens, scoring a 21.9 share that outpaced the NFC championship gave and the hotly anticipated "backwards episode" of the smash hit series Community. Not Without My Pink Ribbon, a drama about the life of former Komen executive Karen Handel, won praise for a strong starring performance by Patricia Heaton (Handel) and a surprising comeback role by Kirk Cameron, who played the Archangel Michael. And there's more early Emmy buzz about Andy Serkis's CGI-enhanced role as a baby saved from abortion by Handel.

NOVEMBER 2028

Handel wins presidency; All-female team will be nation's first
by Iris Grim, Buzzfeed

ATLANTA -- Republican nominee Karen Handel has won the 2028 presidential election, an astonishing comeback for a woman who became a national martyr in the early-century abortion wars.

"This is not a victory for me," Handel told 100,000 supporters at a celebration here. "This is a victory for the American people."

The victory was closer than late polls suggested, with Handel's victory over Democrat-Scientology fusion candidate Gavin Newsom only becoming clear after ballots from Wisconsin's Waukesha County were counted. Some analysts suggested that Handel's running mate, Bristol Palin, weakened the ticket with "inexplicable" campaign trail antics.

In an interview with ABC News, a subsidiary of Buzzfeed-Halliburton, Handel's chief strategist Ari Fleischer downplayed that criticism. The passage of the 35th Amendment, which granted full voting rights at conception, gave the Handel-Palin campaign an early cushion of votes, something the Newsom-Cruise ticket never overcame.

"It probably didn't hurt that a flood took out the entire Eastern Seaboard," Fleischer added.

David Weigel is a Slate political reporter. 

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