The New York Times’s columnist has recently traded taxicab confessions for amusing fantasies of how the world could improve if people start agreeing with him. Let’s be fair, sure – that’s what a lot of columnists write about. Rarely do they write fantasies in which leaders’ hearts grow three sizes, then hug it out.
Fantasy Boehner:
We have informed the president that our legislators are ready to reopen negotiations immediately on a ‘Grand Bargain’ to address all these debt issues once and for all and that everything will be on the table from our side — including tax reform that closes loopholes and eliminates wasteful subsidies, and, if need be, tax increases.
Fantasy Obama, pitching – of course! – a new commission that will bring party leaders to the rumpus room with St. Bowles of North Carolina and St. Simpson of Wyoming.
Everything will be on the table — spending cuts, tax reform and increases, a framework for restructuring the debts of Americans whose homes are under water and the investments we need to renew the primary sources of our strength — infrastructure, education and scientific research.
Friedman isn’t stupid, and that makes me wonder: Why does he keep writing this horrible nonsense? Nothing fantasy Obama has said differs from what Reality Obama has said. But Fantasy Boehner buckles on tax increases. You can draw a conclusion: “One of these actors has an unbreakable committment to something Friedman finds unreasonable, and perhaps he should focus on that.” But no! In the fantasy, everyone is at fault; everyone has to come together.
At that point, all five leaders shook hands and retreated into the Oval Office. It was exactly 9:29 a.m. One minute later, the New York Stock Exchange opened. The Dow was up 1,223 points at the open — an all-time record.
The Dow would surge because a commission was being announced? Come on. Really? He wrote that?
As I drive around Iowa I’m a little pressed for time, but I want you to help out. Write your own Tom Friedman fanfic. If you want to cast a certain mustachioed, turtlenecked columnist as your Mary Sue, fine – hilarious. Post in the comments or email to me at daveweigel at gmail. Possible topics:
- Tom Friedman convinces Jim DeMint that the gas tax needs to be doubled.
- Tom Friedman convinces members of AARP to sign up their membership for a Shirley Jackson lottery in order to drive down the number of retirees.
Go on ahead.
