Yesterday, Trailhead invited readers to imagine what would have to happen for Barack Obama to lose the Democratic nomination. And boy did you respond. You, dear readers, are a motley assortment of creative and disturbed geniuses.
Scenarios tended to fall into a few categories: embarrassing revelations, major screw-ups, Clinton ex machinas , and unfortunate occurrences. Others involved Obama turning out to be someone—or something—other than himself, such as the Rev. Jeremiah Wright (“note that you never see the Rev. & Obama in the same place!”), “the smoke monster from Lost, ” Dennis Kucinich in disguise, and John McCain’s illegitimate black child. Several other scenarios involved zombie attacks and alien invasions. Yet another described a heinous Aristocrats -like stage performance by the Obama family.
We can’t possibly share them all, but here’s a sampling organized by category. Winners are at the bottom.
Embarrassing revelations:
Obama is actually 34 years old, too young to be president. — Marc Sylvestre
Video surfaces of Obama at that Rev. Wright “God Damn America” sermon that he claims he didn’t attend, especially if the video shows him applauding that statement. — Brian Weber
Obama photographed raising pinky while sipping latte! — Benjamin Clark
Customs agents find one of Natalee Holloway’s ” Carlos ’n Charlie’s Aruba” T-shirts in his luggage. — Tom Grayman
Obama’s opening his mail while being interviewed by Bill O’Reilly. He drops a Hallmark card. O’Reilly helpfully picks it up for him and reads the inscription: “Barack: Thanks for the visa! See you soon! Your BFF, Nadhmi .” — Boyd Reed
Pictures of an 8-year-old Obama in his local neighborhood bomb-making class with William Ayers and other Weather Undergrounders. — Jen Geiger
The Drudge Report uncovers shocking photographic evidence that Barack Obama and Osama Bin Laden were actually college roommates. … They depict Bin Laden doing keg stands while Obama stands to the side holding his turban and counting in Arabic. — Rudy Santelises
He shot Alexander Hamilton. And there’s video. — Andrew Rice
Reader Mark Schondorf submits a whole list of shocking twists, including: “Hillary summons a Kraken”; “Obama was a ghost THE WHOLE TIME!!!”; “Hillary goes back in time to kill Obama’s mother”; “Hillary wins because, as it turns out, she’s Keyser Söze “; and “Unbelievably, the aliens are afraid of water.”
Major screw-ups:
Obama confesses that the blackout “ending” of the series finale of The Sopranos was his idea. — Scott Schiefelbein
The only way that Obama could possibly lose the nomination is if video of him punching a baby surfaced. — Nick Wilhelmy
There is only one unforgivable crime in America … dog fighting . — Tom Bianchi
The reason he doesn’t believe the government created AIDS is because he did. — Shane Mehling
Clinton
ex machina
:
The best scenario for Hillary is to run as John McCain’s running mate. And for McCain to die. — Dea Henrich [So Obama would still be the nominee, but we had to include. — Ed.]
The Clinton campaign digs up records in the National Archives proving that Hawaii was not a state at the time of Obama’s birth, thereby making him ineligible.
—
Pamela Belyn
Bill Clinton starts campaigning on his behalf before June 3. — Eric Samuels
Hillary sheds two tears. — Jon Cowan
Unfortunate occurrences:
Obama will need to be photographed windsurfing … and then get eaten by a shark. — Stephen Defibaugh
Obama, trying to fit in with the Oregon locals, goes on a white-water rafting tour arranged by Lanny Davis Excursions. — Boyd Reed
Hillary invites Barack to her home in Chappaqua to talk about ending the race. The visit eerily resembles the movie Misery . — Boyd Reed
The winners:
The best submissions managed to make a concise joke, summarize all of Obama’s vulnerabilities at once, or vividly capture the mind-bending paucity of Clinton’s odds of survival. Here are three that did the job:
Thank you for the submissions. You heard them here first!
