Start with a joke: [Tap tap tap] Is this thing on? Just kidding. No really, is it? I don’t hear things.
Compare yourself to other great old people: My friends, I am old. But you know who else was old? Ronald Reagan. He was 69 when he took his first oath of office. Come January 2009, I will be 72 years old. That means I’ll be even more Reagan-like than Reagan, if you think about it.
Claim good health: All of my 47 doctors agree that I am in excellent health. I have been cancer-free for five years. I did today’s crossword puzzle in less than an hour, and today is a Wednesday. And look at the upside—I have a personal stake in making health care better.
Confront your weaknesses: Some people say I am already beginning to lose my mental faculties. They claim that when I said al-Qaida is helping arm Shiite militia, that it was a sign of my deteriorating mind. I assure you it is not. I believe that shit, honest to God. They also say I am forgetful, and that I don’t remember things about our economy. Well, I assure you, my friends, there’s nothing to forget.
Cite your gene pool: If you need proof that age isn’t a problem, look at my mother, Roberta. [Audience applauds.] Roberta is 95 years old, and she can still beat me at the 50 yard dash. Shot put, too. She may say things I disagree with, but that’s not because of her age. She’s always been one battalion short of a surge.
Connect with young people: Don’t forget that even though I am old, I consider myself an ambassador to the youth. I know all about your Britney Spears and Fleetwood Mac. I may have been tied up during Woodstock, but I did attend a Kennedy Center concert last year with my wife, Cindy. Sorry, my wife, Meghan.
