Canceled

So Fred’s dead . Cut to frantic speculation about what’s next for him.

One idea, floated by a campaign adviser to the Examiner : Fred for vice president!

“Having somebody like Thompson on the ticket, it seems to me, could go a long way toward unifying and energizing the base,” Galen told The Examiner.

Unifying, perhaps. “Energizing”—that’s probably taking it too far. Galen continues:

“I don’t even know if he’d take it, although I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of anybody turning it down,” he added. “He has said flat out he’s not interested in becoming vice president, but that’s what they all say.”

Frankly, we’re going to take Thompson at his word on this one. If the man doesn’t want to be president, why would he want to be VP?

Another theory, floated by the Dickensianly named Chadwick Matlin: Fred dropped out because young Thompson doppelganger Javier Bardem snagged the nomination— for best supporting actor ! Thompson knew he’d been eclipsed.

P.S. As usual, the Onion had the story first .