I’m sure it’s no coinkydink—and I can’t be the first to have noticed—that the group rounds for Euro 2016 end the day before the United Kingdom European Union membership referendum, aka, Brexit. With Britain on the verge of self-exile from the wider European family, here’s one man’s assessment of the chances for a British soccer Brexit before the knockout stages. (Spoiler alert: duh.)
England
vs. Russia: Given its plethora of attacking options, England employ not so much a Christmas-tree formation as a Menorah, leaving only Chris Smalling and Joe Hart back on defense. Attacking in waves of nine, they score first on a lucky rebound off of Dele Alli’s knee from 30 yards, but ultimately lose a squeaker, 9-1. Rooney’s days as an out-and-out disaster in major tournaments seem, sadly, to be not at all numbered.
vs. Wales: “Needing a win to have any real hope of advancing”™ (trademark the English Football Association), England revert to a more traditional formation in which it doesn’t matter what their formation is, they just give the ball away a lot. Gareth Bale has a field day with both fullbacks, Walker and Rose, and both at the same time, and this double-teaming of Bale has no actual effect as the be-bunned Welshman scores a hat-trick in the first 20 minutes. England storm back with three late goals from nine-year old Marcus Rashford, who replaces Wayne Rooney after an hour, and in the dreams of all Manchester United fans. “Will a point be enough?”™
vs. Slovakia: Four days before the Brexit vote, England “face a do-or-die third group game”™ against mighty Slovakia. “Liverpool’s Martin Skrtel”™ opens the scoring for Slovakia, towering above 5-foot-6 Raheem Sterling at the far post (England planned that match-up in a pre-game meeting subsequently leaked by English coach Ray Lewington). At halftime, England manager Roy Hodgson mistakenly invokes the spirit of 1996 rather than 1966 and assures his team that if it gets to penalties they’ll surely go through. As there are no penalties in the group rounds, England’s last-minute equalizer by Joe Hart (who, tired of the nine attackers missing so many chances-, has come up for a corner) leaves England with but two points, and an almost certain Brexit.
Wales
vs. Slovakia: aka “the game that made Joe Allen”™. Joe Allen comes on for the last five minutes of Wales’ 3-0 defeat and with some deft defensive tackles ensures it doesn’t end 4-0. Gareth Bale is marked out of the game by “Liverpool’s Martin Skrtel”™. Welsh people remember en masse that rugby is their real sport.
vs. England: See above. From a Welsh perspective, not great. In an interview after the game, one Welsh fan, Dai Jones, intones, “Bale was magical, a dragon amongst beefeaters, as beautiful as a field of bloody daffodils! The rest of them? The Thatcher-decimated coal industry is more productive than that shower!”
vs. Russia: Wales heads home after a humbling at the hands of a non-member of the EU. One point from a possible nine is not what a team including Gareth Bale, Aaron Ramsey, and Joe Allen should be acquiring. Jazz Richards, defender, has a poor tournament, too, probably because he’s passing in five/four time, whereas his teammates are, according to Dai Jones, “waltzing about doing nothing!”
Northern Ireland
Northern Ireland—facing games against Poland, Ukraine, and world champs Germany—also attended Euro 2016.
