The latest episode of Steve Bannon Presents: The President, America’s best-loved and most-loathed reality show, aired in prime time on Tuesday, and it came with a shocking twist. After a day of suspense, one in which it seemed like he might invite two judges to join him on stage for the most depressing rose ceremony ever, Donald Trump announced the finalist for the vacant Supreme Court seat that should have belonged to Merrick Garland. But Neil Gorsuch was not the star of the night. Nor was Antonin Scalia, though his shade hung in the air as Trump repeatedly invoked his name. While these folks gave serviceable supporting performances, only one man “made a promise to the American people” and then delivered on it with “the most transparent judicial selection process in history.” Only one politician had the smarts to “study [Gorsuch’s writing] closely,” in accordance with his conviction that “after the defense of our nation the most important decision a president of the United States can make is the appointment of a Supreme Court justice.” A single soul made that important decision, just as he’d made that important promise. On Tuesday night, Donald Trump announced that he, Donald Trump, had picked … that gray-haired guy standing over there … and that this was a very, very wise decision. A decision that had been made by Donald Trump.
The president said that “when Justice Scalia passed away suddenly last February,” it was a transformative moment for him. (Cue soundtrack and flashbacks to the memorial service.) He vowed to the American people that “if I were elected president, I would find the very best judge in the country for the Supreme Court.” (Cue Trump running through Utah in the rain.) He “promised to select someone who respects our laws and is representative of our Constitution and who loves our Constitution.” (Cue Trump gravely contemplating the flight of a bald eagle.) And he “publicly presented a list of brilliant and established people to the American electorate and pledged to make my choice from among that list.” (Cue Trump poised over a pile of résumés with a red pen and an Olivia Pope–sized glass of wine.)
“Millions of voters said this was the single most important issue to them when they voted for me for president,” Trump continued, reminding us that he was the president and that people had voted for him. “I am a man of my word,” he said, with an emphasis on the I and the my. “I will do as I say,” he continued, restraining the disappointment he must have felt in not being able to fit I into the sentence three times.
The citizenry is desperate for someone like Donald Trump, according to Donald Trump. They “have been asking for [follow-through] from Washington for a very, very long time.” On Tuesday night, they were treated to a detailed account of just how a presidential president like Trump uses his good judgment to make important choices for the American people.
After a while, our hero ceded the podium to Gorsuch, who demonstrated a command of alliteration (judges should act with “impartiality and independence, collegiality and courage,” he said) and seemed at every moment just a couple of names away from thanking the academy. “Mr. President,” the nominee concluded, “I am honored, and I am humbled.” Trump then shook Gorsuch’s hand, kissed the Supreme Court nominee’s wife, and gave himself a round of applause. He had done a great job.
