On Wednesday the NFL released the results of a league-funded investigation into suspicions that the New England Patriots intentionally deflated footballs used in January’s 2015 AFC Championship Game in order to gain a competitive advantage. The report by fancypants New York lawyer Ted Wells concluded that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady “more probabl[y] than not” was “at least generally aware of the inappropriate activities” of two team employees whom Wells believes to have deflated the balls.
On Thursday, Tom Brady’s agent Don Yee announced that he has gone through the Wells Report and he is not happy about it.
Don Yee, the agent for New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, said in a statement Thursday that the findings of the Wells report "contains significant and tragic flaws" and "is a significant and terrible disappointment."
“A significant and terrible disappointment.” It’s like listening to my ex-wife, am I right?
Continued Yee: “As the gods have foretold, the Deflategate report’s hubris will unleash hell on Earth. This so-called investigatory document is a bleeding nightmare that drowns the people in its blood. For thousands of years hence, the benighted populations of our dying planet will curse the house of Ted Wells and his ancestors for condemning them to a most foul and unending suffering.”
FWIW, I don’t actually have an ex-wife and Yee didn’t really say anything about hubris, blood, and the death of all life on Earth. The rest is real, though.