Congratulations to Shamus Beaglehole, an English soccer player who has won decisive victory in the 2014 Name of the Year contest. Shamus' victory was announced last week, but somehow we were covering other stuff at the time, which was a terrible oversight. See the Name of the Year site for information on runners-up such as Eve Gruntfest and Alkapone Cruz-Balles.
TODAY IN SLATE
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In much of America, beating your children is perfectly legal.
Ken Burns on Why Teddy Roosevelt Would Never Get Elected in 2014
Cops Briefly Detain Django Unchained Actress Because They Thought She Was a Prostitute
Minimalist Cocktail Posters Make Mixing Drinks a Cinch
How the Apple Watch Will Annoy Us
A glowing screen attached to someone else’s wrist is shinier than all but the blingiest of jewels.
Rainbow Parties and Sex Bracelets
Where teenage sex rumors come from—and why they’re bad for parents and kids.
You Had to Be There
What we can learn from things that used to be funny.