Galactic Empire, White House Engage in Intergalactic PR Battle

Your News Companion by Ben Mathis-Lilley
Jan. 15 2013 2:22 PM

Galactic Empire, White House Engage in Intergalactic PR Battle

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Some fans dressed in Star Wars costumes gather in a market in Santiago de Compostela, northwestern Spain, on May 21, 2010, to conmemorate the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back film

Photo by Miguel Riopa/AFP/Getty Images.

The Galactic Empire will see the White House's rather hilariously worded response last week to a We The People petition requesting the nation build a Death Star, and raise it this:

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT—The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. "It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire," said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. "Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine."
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You can read the whole statement, titled "Planet Earth Abandons Death Star Project In Face of Superior Galactic Imperial Power" and credited to "Galactic Empire Public Relations," over at the Star Wars Blog. The best part is either when they refer to Earth as the "unimaginatively named planet" or when they caution everyone/thing not to believe the "exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design." Still, for my money, neither line tops the simplicity of the White House petition response's headline: "This Isn't the Petition Response You're Looking For."

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Josh Voorhees is a Slate senior writer. He lives in Iowa City.