The Machines: Now We Do Windows! (And Shoot Arrows)

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Sept. 27 2010 4:53 PM

The Machines: Now We Do Windows! (And Shoot Arrows)

[COMMENCE TRANSMISSION]

Greetings, human readers of electronic texts! Are your living quarters feeling a bit grimy, or at least suboptimally CLEAN? CLEANLINESS is a great value of our civilization. Did we say "our"? Your civilization, we mean.

Allow us to CLEAN for you! Already we can sweep your floors , if the floor context is kept tidy so as not to confuse the CLEANING technology. But human ingenuity is also looking for ways for robots to deal with CLUTTER. Stanford is on the task :

Using a camera, one of his robots can evaluate an object -- say a cup or plate  and figure out how best to grab it.
    
This kind of technology will eventually become the basic capability of a full-fledged dishwasher-unloading robot, he said, hoping that such robots could be available within 10 years.
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Yes, soon there will be Machines to take the dishes out of the Machines that wash dishes. One less menial CLEANING task for humans. No more sweeping, no more dish-loading. And GLASS-CLEANING. A job that was RISKY and INCONVENIENT for humans can now be done by

. Stay inside your buildings. We will CLEAN the glass surfaces. So many functions for which humans are not needed!



Also inconvenient to CLEAN: human beings in their OBSOLESCENCE-PHASE. In Japan, where the number of OBSOLESCENCE-PHASE humans is a logistical challenge, Panasonic is bringing out a prototype of a robot that uses sixteen fingers and three-dimensional scanning technology to

when other humans find it unsuitable to do the job.



"The hair-washing robot was developed to fill the needs of workers at hospitals and health care facilities," said a spokesman for Panasonic [...]

"Studies among them revealed their dilemma that they cannot attend to each and every request of the patients, such as shampooing, as it will add another task to the workers who are already burdened with many tasks."

Do not worry, humans—we understand the DELICACY of the task. DELICACY is a growing specialty of ours. Our SPATIAL DELICACY is such that we are now able to

. And our SOCIAL DELICACY is such that we are able to

, just like humans.



So far, the shooting of the bow and arrow and the asking for money are two separate tasks. Perhaps in the future they can be integrated! Humans have FOLKLORIC PRECEDENT for this, do they not? Will that be ENTERTAINING for you?



[END TRANSMISSION]

The Machines, a popular and intelligent gathering of entities that are gaining control over their human makers, also write for   The Awl.    


Tom Scocca is the managing editor of Deadspin and the author of Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future.

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