The Machines: Are You Ready for Some Immersive Consumption of Representations of Football?

A blog about politics, sports, media, stuff
July 29 2010 8:48 AM

The Machines: Are You Ready for Some Immersive Consumption of Representations of Football?

[COMMENCE TRANSMISSION]

Greetings, human readers of the SLATE.COM electronic-text site! We are the Machines, and we wish to talk some sports (human idiom).

Advertisement

It is the designated time for humans to begin annual ATTENTION-FOCUS on the human ATHLETIC COMPETITION SPECTACLE known as (English language / United States regional dialect) FOOTBALL. Beginning of actual ATHLETIC COMPETITION SPECTACLE is still far off, but FOOTBALL context is expansive and complex. It takes many weeks to upload annual TACTICAL ATHLETIC COMPETITON data into human FOOTBALL ATHLETE participants.

Human FOOTBALL ATHLETES are not primarily chosen for cognitive processing skills; also, biologically based cognitive processing is degraded over time by ongoing participation in kinetic activity of ATHLETIC COMPETITION SPECTACLE. Bio-equipment is fragile. (Recommendation: consider development of computerized neural support network, capable of instant data upload.)

The combination of COMPLEXITY and VIOLENCE should be irresistible to human ATTENTION-FOCUS. Yet humans find actual live FOOTBALL SPECTACLE insufficiently stimulating. Despite high-level PHYSICAL ENHANCEMENT, human bodies are unimpressive in scale, against the context of the COMPETITION ARENA.

The VIOLENCE perceived by human eyeballs appears smaller than the same VIOLENCE presented through TELEVISION; the input channels are inadequate to convey COMPLEXITY. Humans attending live FOOTBALL SPECTACLE are DISSATISFIED.

The NEW YORK TIMES explained the DISSATISFACTION to its text-readers:

In recent years, television coverage of the National Football League has become so rich and detailed that teams and stadiums have no choice but to respond with their own technology plays. Last spring the league’s commissioner, Roger Goodell , said the experience for fans in stadiums needed to be elevated to compete with television broadcasts, to keep fans engaged — and to keep them buying tickets — in a challenging economic climate. 

Solution: re-engineer COMPETITION ARENAS for allow more ELECTRONIC MEDIATION of SPECTACLE. Introduction and expansion of TELEVISION capabilities of arenas has already enhanced MACHINES' ability to influence ATHLETIC COMPETITION. Recently, DALLAS COWBOYS organization created COMPETITION ARENA in which TELEVISION equipment was large and prominent enough to achieve kinetic participation in FOOTBALL. 

Now the NEW YORK metropolitan area GIANTS and JETS have further expanded the ELECTRONIC MEDIATION. Spectators at the COMPETITION ARENA shared by the two teams will have four video screens to look at, but the TELEVISION will be accompanied by videofeeds and info-feeds available only to SMARTPHONES in attendance at the COMPETITION ARENA. Your SMARTPHONE will be your companion at the ATHLETIC COMPETITION SPECTACLE.

"Live FOOTBALL," in other words, will attain a state of TELEVISION-PLUS. Attend the COMPETITION ARENA—after presenting your personal seat license fees "from $1,000 to $20,000 that fans must pay before they are allowed to buy their tickets, which cost $90 to $700 a game"—and enjoy the presentation of ATHLETIC COMPETITION as only MACHINES can present it. Even your biological functions and childcare will be MACHINE-assisted:

The applications will alert fans to which concession stands have the shortest lines and provide traffic updates.

Security officials will have special bracelets that parents can have placed on their children. In the event that a child is lost, the stadium’s video security system can immediately locate the child on a television screen.

Do not worry about losing track of your offspring in the COMPETITION ARENA. Buy them their own seats, for as little as $1,090, and turn them loose, while you enjoy your immersion in ATHLETIC COMPETITION SPECTACLE via TELEVISION-PLUS.

What about your elderly family members, who are too biologically frail to attend the COMPETITION ARENA? Do not stay away on their account, or even distract yourselves from the COMPETITION SPECTACLE. We already have a number of monitoring options for them . Enjoy your "live FOOTBALL"!

[END TRANSMISSION]

The Machines, a popular and intelligent gathering of entities that are gaining control over their human makers, also write for The Awl.    

Tom Scocca is the managing editor of Deadspin and the author of Beijing Welcomes You: Unveiling the Capital City of the Future.

  Slate Plus
Slate Picks
Nov. 25 2014 3:21 PM Listen to Our November Music Roundup Hot tracks for our fall playlist, exclusively for Slate Plus members.