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Answer by Anita Sanz, clinical psychologist:
It depends on what kind of cold feet you have.
If it’s the kind of cold feet where you have some anxiety about getting married or you’re feeling nervous about making a long-term commitment to someone, then that’s completely normal. When you’re nervous, it often means you are invested and care deeply about the outcome. So it makes sense that making the decision to get married to someone could cause a substantial amount of anxiety for anyone who cares about what he or she is doing.
This kind of cold feet can be easily warmed by talking with others who have been married and felt this way before. They can reassure you that it’s normal and that they felt that way, too. Very few people are ever 100 percent certain of any major decision they make in life. If you get into the high 90s percentage-wise, you’re doing well, but that means there is always going to be some doubt. That’s OK.
But if you’re talking about the cold feet that’s the kind of nagging gut feeling or intuition that something just isn’t right and you shouldn’t be going through with the wedding, that’s something else entirely. The kind of cold feet where everyone else seems a whole lot happier that you’re getting married than you are. Where you are actually finding yourself faking that you’re looking forward to it, because you can’t find any happy or joyful feelings about the upcoming nuptials—that’s something to pay real attention to.
In fact, if you’re having those kinds of feelings, you probably need to stop everything and figure out why this is happening. Go see a therapist if you need to sort out your thoughts and feelings. It probably won’t even take that long, once you’re willing to move past the initial impulse to squelch your doubts because the venue has already been booked and the deposit on the honeymoon made.
You might discover it’s because you felt pressured to get married. It wasn’t really your idea. Your parents want you to be married. Her parents want you to be married. She wants to be married. Everyone else is getting married. Everyone else is already married, except you. You loved the idea of a wedding. Marriage? Not so much. You’re getting married in the hope that you’re not really gay (unless it’s a gay wedding). You aren’t over something yet. You’re still not over your ex. You’re in love with somebody else. You’re getting married to get over your ex. You’re getting married to become a better person. You’re not over that he cheated on you that one time, even though you were taking a break. You haven’t forgiven her for that one night. You can’t get that incident out of your head. What if that happens again? What if it happens a lot after you get married? You don’t really love him or her but you want kids and you’re not getting any younger. Isn’t that OK? You feel like you’re settling. Isn’t it okay to settle? Shouldn’t everyone settle down? You thought this was a good time to settle down. You aren’t ready for this level of commitment. You know he or she expects things to be different after you are married. You know this isn’t going to work.
Whatever the reason, being able to be honest with yourself first is priority No. 1. Then you can figure out what to do from there. Many times, addressing the things that are causing serious cold feet won’t lead to calling a wedding off. It can lead to working through some issues and concerns that could have festered and led to bigger problems later on.
In a relationship, if something has the potential to threaten your relationship, even if it’s difficult, confusing, embarrassing, and even if there’s the potential for some (OK, a lot of) conflict, it’s important that you not avoid bringing it up. This is actually the one vow that I wish couples would actually make to each other when making a long-term commitment to each other: “I promise to be completely honest with you about anything that I think could threaten our relationship, no matter how scary, ridiculous, or embarrassing it is, no matter how much I don’t want to talk about it or how much I think you don’t want to hear it, even if I think it might hurt your feelings at first and we will have to work our way through it and it might even eventually lead to the end of the relationship, because to avoid dealing with it will eventually lead to the end of the relationship. And I love you and us too much to let that happen.”
The willingness to listen to and trust yourself and the courage to be honest with your partner about what you’re feeling are two essential skills you need to be able to bring to an intimate partnership or a marriage.
You might as well start doing what’s going to be necessary in a good marriage before you even walk down the aisle. So if it’s just cold feet nerves, take that walk! Cold-feet gut feeling that there’s something really wrong—don’t walk until you’ve been honest with yourself and your partner.
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