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Answer by Michelle Roses, raising two daughters:
Keeping in touch is great, but we’ve evolved into a society that requires immediate communication. We accomplish this via texting and following our social media feeds. Suddenly, “Katie is frustrated the line at Starbucks is slow” is important.
Kids aren’t waiting around for a phone to ring anymore, and with group texting it takes all of 12 seconds to hash out complicated weekend plans.
When kids aren’t connected, they feel anxious and left out. “Everyone will know but me” and “Things are happening without me” are the feelings my own teen describes sometimes.
Parents can help their kids avoid anxiety about missing my-life-will-be-over information by taking the following steps:
Set a good example
Kids emulate their parents. If a parent always has his head buried in his phone, thumbs flying, the kids will think this is an acceptable way to go through life.
If we’re texting or on Quora or Facebook, we’re not present. Being present means we’re engaged in the real world and our surroundings. We are actively listening and responding.
At 3 years old, a child will ask for your attention to tell you she wants more crackers or likes your socks. When teenager is asking for your attention, it’s usually something important.
The older and more independent they get, the less your teen may confide and share with you. This is normal. The parents who believe their teen tells them everything, they’re delusional.
I have an extremely close, honest, and open relationship with both my daughters. I know they understand and are confident they can tell me absolutely anything and I will love and support them. However, there are, most likely, things they keep private. Again, normal.
Make rules and adhere to them yourself
This means parents too. We have a rule in our house: No electronics at the dinner table. That means me too. I can’t be present and engaged with my family if I’m on my phone. The table is where we share and talk. No answer or post is more important than what my children have to tell me.
The car is another place I get to talk to them. They’re actually strapped down and can’t leave. We have some of our most serious conversations in the car. Sometimes we just sing with the radio, talk about the news, tell jokes or look for pictures in the clouds, but we’re engaged with each other.
Set limits
No electronics after a certain time at night, no electronics at bedtime, no electronics until homework is complete, no electronics during designated family time—whatever limits you choose, they should be enforced, and there should be consequences for breaking the rules.
My youngest will often sneak her iPad into her bed. She loves to watch anime videos, draw from an image, and play Minecraft. I have to take her electronics out of her room at night so she’ll sleep. It’s hard because she’s so cute and knows how to manipulate me with crocodile tears. I’m OK with “ruining her life” and “proving I never will ever trust her to do anything,” but it took time. We want our kids to be happy.
Encourage going old school
Whatever happened to writing thank you notes? I still do it. Sending a thank you text or email doesn’t exactly convey, “I appreciate what you did, so I’m taking time to show you in a special way how much I appreciate it.”
Texting does not replace phone calls. Hearing someone’s voice is intimate. You can hear emotion and intensity in someone’s voice which can’t be replicated in a text.
Texting someone, no matter how eloquent—“Congratulations,” for a life event, like a marriage or new baby—is lazy. Texting “Get well soon. You’re in my thoughts” to someone in the hospital is demonstrating how little the person is actually in your thoughts.
Encourage your children to take the time to show they care and engage with the people in their life through real life, not thumb taps and a phone screen.
Taking a break
Make Sunday “Unplug Day.” No computers, social media, emails, or texts. Phones as actual phones only. Play board games, watch movies, bake cookies, go somewhere fun. Whatever you do, you’re connecting and able to be present.
Unplugging can be stressful at first, but pretty quickly, both parents and kids understand they’re not really missing anything important. The really important things are happening in real life.
Paying attention to your kids and showing them you’re present sends them a message: You are important, accepted, and loved just the way you are. Nothing can affect a child’s life more than knowing and feeling this. Nothing.
I’m going to read to my daughter now. She’s home sick, and it’s time for me to set an example, follow the rules, take a break, and go old school.
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