What Are the Six Types of Heterosexuals?

Expanding the LGBTQ Conversation
Dec. 6 2013 10:59 AM

The Six Types of Heterosexuals

1386345178
Do you know how to identify a heterosexual?

Credit: Monkey Business Images / Shutterstock.com

A Memo:

While the types of activity vary widely among heterosexuals, the community can be separated into six separate groups: the blatant, the secret lifer, the desperate, the adjusted, the bisexual, and the situational.

Advertisement

The blatant heterosexual is the obvious “firm-handshake” type who typifies the American obsession with a leaden, totally affected notion of masculinity. Among female members of the group, “blatancy” manifests in exaggerated mannerisms meant to communicate subservience and reinforce the group’s fetish for gender-based power play. These people spend their lives struggling through elaborate performances of a sexuality that they nevertheless believe to be “natural” or “average.”

Secret lifers comprise a large number and lead double lives, pretending not to care all that much about non-heterosexuals—so much so that they may pass as allies—but secretly wishing that those with different lifestyles than theirs wouldn’t be so annoyingly loud about it. Of course, they ironically do not mind flagrantly displaying their heterosexuality to the world at every opportunity.

A desperate heterosexual frequents myriad dating sites, geo-location-based dating apps, singles’ cruises and dimly lit backroom “meet-ups” in his or her quest for a connection with the opposite sex, mirroring mating strategies that, interestingly, are widely maligned when attributed to the homosexuals who largely pioneered them. Heterosexuals are generally understood to suffer from stunted emotional development—perhaps due to over-approving parents—making it difficult for them to understand the opposite sex enough to form healthy, meaningful bonds.

The bisexual indulges in sexual relationships with both men and women—but many do not reveal their identities for fear of losing heterosexual credibility.

Adjusted heterosexuals are those who attend straight bars, work drinks, friendly dinners, and pool parties to pick up a lover with the understanding that by the age of 30, they should be bound in “conventional” straight marriage of which the end-goal is reproduction. The male heterosexual often attempts to recruit (especially younger) females into this lifestyle using a strange argot and charmingly crude methodology referred to colloquially as “game.” Meanwhile, the more aggressive female members of the group work to lure men into relationships through intricately choreographed exercises in emotional manipulation. However, many (if not most) relationships between heterosexuals are relatively short-lived or unhappy. This is sometimes due to acts of infidelity but more often to a lack of basic self-understanding that can arise when a group believes itself to be “normal” and therefore not needful of reflection or critical thought.

The final type of heterosexual is the situational one who participates in heterosexual acts more so because of his or her situation, i.e. a complete lack of imagination and societally endorsed foreclosing of curiosity, rather than for any deep heterosexual conviction.

Unfair? If this taxonomy sounds like a gross generalization to you, try the real version about homosexuals, issued by the conservative American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC) in 1985 and uncovered this week by Right Wing Watch. Sadly, this kind of thinking is far from being an archived relic in 2013. 

J. Bryan Lowder is a Slate assistant editor. He writes and edits for Outward, Slate’s LGBTQ section, and for the culture section.

TODAY IN SLATE

History

Slate Plus Early Read: The Self-Made Man

The story of America’s most pliable, pernicious, irrepressible myth.

Rehtaeh Parsons Was the Most Famous Victim in Canada. Now, Journalists Can’t Even Say Her Name.

Mitt Romney May Be Weighing a 2016 Run. That Would Be a Big Mistake.

Amazing Photos From Hong Kong’s Umbrella Revolution

Transparent Is the Fall’s Only Great New Show

The XX Factor

Rehtaeh Parsons Was the Most Famous Victim in Canada

Now, journalists can't even say her name.

Doublex

Lena Dunham, the Book

More shtick than honesty in Not That Kind of Girl.

What a Juicy New Book About Diane Sawyer and Katie Couric Fails to Tell Us About the TV News Business

Does Your Child Have Sluggish Cognitive Tempo? Or Is That Just a Disorder Made Up to Scare You?

  News & Politics
History
Sept. 29 2014 11:45 PM The Self-Made Man The story of America’s most pliable, pernicious, irrepressible myth.
  Business
Moneybox
Sept. 29 2014 7:01 PM We May Never Know If Larry Ellison Flew a Fighter Jet Under the Golden Gate Bridge
  Life
Dear Prudence
Sept. 30 2014 6:00 AM Drive-By Bounty Prudie advises a woman whose boyfriend demands she flash truckers on the highway.
  Double X
Doublex
Sept. 29 2014 11:43 PM Lena Dunham, the Book More shtick than honesty in Not That Kind of Girl.
  Slate Plus
Slate Fare
Sept. 29 2014 8:45 AM Slate Isn’t Too Liberal, but … What readers said about the magazine’s bias and balance.
  Arts
Brow Beat
Sept. 29 2014 9:06 PM Paul Thomas Anderson’s Inherent Vice Looks Like a Comic Masterpiece
  Technology
Future Tense
Sept. 30 2014 7:36 AM Almost Humane What sci-fi can teach us about our treatment of prisoners of war.
  Health & Science
Bad Astronomy
Sept. 30 2014 7:30 AM What Lurks Beneath The Methane Lakes of Titan?
  Sports
Sports Nut
Sept. 28 2014 8:30 PM NFL Players Die Young. Or Maybe They Live Long Lives. Why it’s so hard to pin down the effects of football on players’ lives.