The noPhone Doesn’t Do Anything, Is Not Actually a Phone

Future Tense
The Citizen's Guide to the Future
Aug. 22 2014 12:05 PM

The noPhone Doesn’t Do Anything, Is Not Actually a Phone

nophone
All the comforts and tactile satisfactions of a real phone.

Image from noPhone.

If you sleep with your smartphone under your pillow or find yourself reaching for it even when you know the battery is dead, you may have smartphone separation anxiety. The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step might be getting a noPhone.

Lily Hay Newman Lily Hay Newman

Lily Hay Newman is lead blogger for Future Tense.

According to the gadget’s website, “The noPhone simulates the exact weight and dimensions of your most beloved gadget in order to alleviate any feelings of inadequacy generated by the absence of a real smartphone.” Like a stuffed animal or security blanket, it giving you something to hold when you feel anxious and disconnected.

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And not only is the noPhone not a real phone, it's also not a real product (as far as I can tell). In a presumably fake testimonial section, Whitney R. notes, “With the noPhone, my eye contact skills have improved 73%.”

As the site explains, the noPhone has superior features to a normal smartphone, because it's totally wireless, battery-free, doesn't require software updates, and is shatterproof and waterproof. These are features that real smartphones need.

The best part is the FAQ section:

Q: Does it have a camera? 
A: No 
Q: Is it Bluetooth compatible? 
A: No 
Q: Does it make calls? 
A: No 
Q: Is it toilet bowl resistant? 
A: Yes

The noPhone site design and branding makes it seem like a typical tech product, which is why it's so effective at conveying its message: Put your phones down, people.

Future Tense is a partnership of SlateNew America, and Arizona State University.

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