An Incomplete List of Superlatives That Apple Executives Heaped On Their Own Products at the iPhone 5 Launch

The Citizen's Guide to the Future
Sept. 12 2012 3:53 PM

An Incomplete List of Superlatives That Apple Executives Heaped On Their Own Products at the iPhone 5 Launch

Phil Schiller on the iPhone 5, the thinnest, lightest, fastest, bestest iPhone ever
Phil Schiller, the greatest Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing ever.

Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

When life gives you marginally better lemons, call them “the best lemons ever.” As long as the last lemons were better than the lemons before those, and so on, it’s trivially true. And it sounds way more impressive than just saying that you’ve slightly improved your best-selling lemonade.

Will Oremus Will Oremus

Will Oremus is Slate's senior technology writer.

That, it seemed, was the thinking that guided Apple’s iPhone 5 launch on Wednesday. Just for fun, I’ve compiled here an incomplete list of superlatives that Apple executives Tim Cook, Phil Schiller, Scott Forstall et al. heaped on their own products in the course of the two-hour event. (Note: These are only the superlatives that happened to be directly quoted on Engadget’s live blog of the event. If more come to light, I will update this list accordingly so that I can present it to you as the most complete list of Apple superlatives ever.)


On Apple Stores: “Our stores offer the best buying experience and the best customer service on the planet."

"The perfect place to explore and discover Apple's latest products."

On the latest version of Mac OS X: “Best OS on the planet.”

“Fastest-selling version of OS X yet.”

On the latest MacBook Pro: “The best Mac we’ve ever made.”

“Number one in U.S. market share the last three months.”

On the iPad: “The finest tablet you can buy.”

On the iPhone 5: “It is an absolute jewel. It is the most beautiful product we have ever made, bar none.”

“It's designed and built to an exacting level of standard unlike anything we, or anyone in our industry, have made before.”

"I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that the hardware and software engineering that has gone into this product is unlike we've ever undertaken before."

“The thinnest and lightest iPhone yet.”

“The world’s thinnest smartphone.”

“We couldn’t be prouder of it.”

“The world’s thinnest smartphone.” (Yes, again.)

“For the first time ever we’ve increased the size of the display.”

“Best phones at every price point.”

“This will be our fastest phone roll-out ever.”

“The thinnest, fastest, and best iPhone we have ever shipped.”

On some new racing game available in the App Store: “The ultimate racing experience on iOS.”

On iOS 6: “The most advanced operating system in any mobile device.”

On iPhone 5 and iOS 6, collectively: “The biggest things to happen for iPhone since iCloud.”

On the new iPod Nano: “It’s by far the best Nano we’ve ever created.”

On the iPod Touch: “The world’s most popular music player.”

“The world’s most popular video game player.”

“The best iPod Touch we’ve ever made.”

On the new iPods, collectively: “The best iPods we’ve ever done.”

On EarPods, a new line of headphones: “They look like no earphone you’ve ever seen before.”

On Apple: “Apple has never been stronger.”

On Apple’s employees: “They are doing the best work of their lives.”

On the Foo Fighters: “They’re not only one of the most popular bands in the world, they’re one of the most talented.”

Future Tense is a partnership of SlateNew America, and Arizona State University.


The Juice

Ford’s Big Gamble

It’s completely transforming America’s best-selling vehicle.

Should the United States Grant Asylum to Victims of Domestic Violence?

The Apple Watch Will Make Everyone Around You Just a Little Worse Off

This Was the First Object Ever Designed

Don’t Expect Adrian Peterson to Go to Prison

In much of America, beating your kids is perfectly legal. 


How the Apple Watch Will Annoy Us

A glowing screen attached to someone else’s wrist is shinier than all but the blingiest jewels.


A Little Bit Softer Now, a Little Bit Softer Now …

The sad, gradual decline of the fade-out in popular music.

Is Everyone Going to Declare Independence if Scotland Does It? 

I Tried to Write an Honest Profile of One of Bollywood’s Biggest Stars. It Didn’t Go Well.

Trending News Channel
Sept. 12 2014 11:26 AM Identical Twins Aren’t Really Identical
  News & Politics
Sept. 14 2014 2:37 PM When Abuse Is Not Abuse Don’t expect Adrian Peterson to go to prison. In much of America, beating your kids is perfectly legal. 
Sept. 12 2014 5:54 PM Olive Garden Has Been Committing a Culinary Crime Against Humanity
Inside Higher Ed
Sept. 13 2014 8:38 AM “You’re More Than Just a Number” Goucher College goes transcript-free in admissions.
  Double X
The XX Factor
Sept. 12 2014 4:05 PM Life as an NFL Wife: “He's the Star. Keep Him Happy.”
  Slate Plus
Behind the Scenes
Sept. 12 2014 5:55 PM “Do You Know What Porn Is?” Conversations with Dahlia Lithwick’s 11-year-old son.
Sept. 14 2014 11:44 PM A Little Bit Softer Now, a Little Bit Softer Now … The sad, gradual decline of the fade-out in popular music.
Future Tense
Sept. 12 2014 3:53 PM We Need to Pass Legislation on Artificial Intelligence Early and Often
  Health & Science
New Scientist
Sept. 14 2014 8:38 AM Scientific Misconduct Should Be a Crime It’s as bad as fraud or theft, only potentially more dangerous.
Sports Nut
Sept. 12 2014 4:36 PM “There’s No Tolerance for That” Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh say they don’t abide domestic abuse. So why do the Seahawks and 49ers have a combined six players accused of violence against women?