WARNING: This post contains spoilers for Star Wars: Episode IX, Hot Tub Time Machine 3, and Sharknado 5.
Saturday night, Jon Stewart hosted Night of Too Many Stars, a live benefit for programs that support people with autism. There were some great moments—a hilarious Daily Show reunion, a pre-taped statement from Sarah Silverman that was clearly a statement about Puerto Rico with the word “Autism” dubbed in, and Paul Rudd answering very disappointing Ant Man and the Wasp questions—but the most interesting segment by far was an auction in which J.J. Abrams whispered the plot of Star Wars: Episode IX to one lucky, generous fan, who donated $10,000 for the privilege.
Unfortunately for the hapless donor, there was more to his prize than simply the Star Wars plot: Rob Corddry stopped by to raise the stakes, insisting on spoiling Hot Tub Time Machine 3 (which, as far as anyone knows, does not exist) at the same time. Then Gilbert Gottfried threw his own chips on the table: the donor would now receive spoilers for Star Wars Episode 9, Hot Tub Time Machine 3, and Sharknado 5: Global Swarming, which came out in August. (As Gottfried explains, no one saw it, so his contribution still counts as spoilers.) It’s kind of a boondoggle of a prize for the guy who bought it, but he told Stewart his name was “Carlos Danger,” so it’s hard to feel too bad for him.
It’s easy to feel bad, though, for the rest of us, who don’t have $10,000 to pay for J.J. Abrams, Rob Corddry, or Gilbert Gottfied to whisper movie plots in our ears. Good news, though: although the gag was supposed to be that all of the spoilers were rendered inaudible by the cacophony, it didn’t entirely work. It took many years of hard work at Slate Laboratories, but we’ve managed to separate, amplify, and transcribe some of the audio. As a side benefit, we accidentally discovered time travel, which is why we’re publishing today instead of in 2038. (Why didn’t we just send back a copy of Star Wars: Episode IX? For a very good reason which will become clear in 2038.) Here, then, are all the spoilers we could decipher from Sharknado 5, Hot Tub Time Machine 3, and, of course, Star Wars: Episode IX:
Gilbert Gottfried Spoils Sharknado 5
Ya see, there’s a bunch of sharks, and they’re in some kind of a tornado, and they’re having group sex with that blonde guy from 90210, Ian. But he likes to call himself “Eye-in,” because sharks like guys named “Eye-in.” So Ian teams up with Fabio, Geraldo, and that bald asshole from Poison who always wears a bandana. They team up—they do a shit movie so they can keep their SAG insurance. Then we cut to Ian, in his apartment, crying himself to sleep, muttering, “How the fuck did I end up in Sharknado 5? I used to be on the cover of Tiger Beat magazine. Now I’m getting paid scale to blow a shark while Geraldo and Chris Kattan watch.” Then it comes to…
Rob Corddry Spoils Hot Tub Time Machine 3
Like I said, like I said, we’re about 16 years old. Now we’re, we’re living the life. We’re all young and—we don’t even know what’s going on with Cusack, he’s in, then he’s gone and he’s in and he’s out, we haven’t definitely figured out that part of the script yet. We know that he’s gonna be in there and then out of there. In and out. So, so anyway, forget that part. The ending, the ending—I feel like should tell you the beginning before I tell you the ending. So, we are old men, and we travelled back to the—when we were successful and young. And travelled back to Hot Tub Time Machine 2, and we stopped that movie from ever happening. Because if we make it—that fucking thing, that fucking thing killed us. So then, once Hot Tub Time Machine 3 ends…
J.J. Abrams Spoils Star Wars: Episode IX
[inaudible] … And then… [inaudible]
Wow! Sounds like J.J. Abrams has done it again!