As more details come out in the Harvey Weinstein scandal, there’s a lot of confusion and fear in the entertainment industry, as rapidly shifting social mores threaten to leave a lot of good men stranded—men who simply didn’t realize “use your money and power to allegedly harass, coerce, and even rape women with impunity over a period of decades” was frowned upon these days. Fortunately, Samantha Bee offered a sympathetic ear on Wednesday night, plus an important piece of business advice gleaned over her many years in the entertainment industry: “Your dick is ugly. No one wants to see your dick in any context.”
It’s like sitting at the foot of Lee Iacocca himself! And that’s not all the hard-earned knowledge Bee has to offer. She also volunteers another weird old trick to succeed in the business world: don’t make your employees watch you masturbate. It’s the least-inspiring TED Talk ever given, but if you’re having trouble making it through your workday without forcing your employees to look at your dick, it’s essential viewing.
Here are Samantha Bee’s complete remarks on the difficult, complicated matter of succeeding in business without masturbating in front of your employees or whipping it out at film festivals:
Hey, everyone. With all these big sexual harassment cases going public, men are getting concerned about how they can avoid being accused. Some have even stopped having solo meetings with women at all, which is great for women’s careers. Thanks, guys!
So I have some business advice. Fellas, I’m a big comedy star slash Hollywood executive, and I’ve found that it’s quite easy not to masturbate in front of my employees. In fact, it’s one of the easiest things I don’t do. Every day, I wake up, get dressed, take the subway to work, and then don’t masturbate in front of anyone. Next time you get the urge to masturbate, just ask yourself, “Am I in front of an employee or a colleague?” And if the answer is yes, don’t. Just don’t.
And also, while I have you here: Men, I’m sorry to break this to you, but your dick is ugly. No one wants to see your dick in any context. Even the straightest, horniest woman who loves you the most is hoping you can get it inside her without her having to look at it. So definitely don’t show it to strangers. Don’t text pictures of it to people, and don’t whip it out at film festivals. Your dick is objectively the worst thing about you. If you want to send a lady a picture of something, try your nipple, or a pinkie toe, or a favorite mole!
Don’t masturbate in front of people who haven’t specifically asked you to. And even then, stop and ask yourself, “What is our power dynamic? Is there a chance in hell that this person might only be agreeing to see my hideous dick out of fear for their career?” If so, make a good business choice and keep your business in your pants. Good talk, guys!