What are you doing in my room, father? I was just heading to bed, and, oh. Oh, I see. You’ve found the drawer where I keep the trailer for Little Evil, from Netflix. Did you watch it, father? The first look at the next movie from writer/director Eli Craig, of Tucker & Dale vs. Evil fame? Don’t lie, or I’ll know. Never mind, I can see you did from the way you’re looking at me. The way you’re looking at your son. Your son. You never asked too many questions about that, did you, dad? Nothing strange about mom getting pregnant after all those years, right after she started hanging out with Father Damien. Ex-Father Damien, technically. But now you’ve seen the trailer for a Netflix movie starring Adam Scott and Evangeline Lilly, and suddenly you have questions about the bargain she made? It’s a little late, don’t you think?
Don’t get me wrong, I understand why you didn’t look into this sooner. Your career finally took off right around the time I was born, remember? And then after the accident, you were raising a kid by yourself, but that was all right because the money kept pouring in, and so what if I started wailing whenever you drove past a church and the nannies kept dying? All kids are weird, right? And then before you know it, you find a trailer for Little Evil hidden away, and … is that the Dagger of Saint Jerome? How … quaint! Did Father Damien give you that? So he was faithful at the end, was he? Well, never mind, never mind. I don’t fear your little … weapon, father. My name is Legion, and the time to hurt me was years ago. You’ve eaten at my table all these years, watching trailer after trailer, growing fatter and older and slower. And now Babylon the Great will fall, and I shall ascend from the bottomless pit and reign with seven crowns on seven heads till all the stars in … what? Sept. 1. Little Evil comes out Sept. 1. Now hand me that dull old knife and rule the kingdoms and principalities of men by my side, or strike at me and die! Or watch the trailer again, that works too. Looks pretty funny, right?
