The Articles of Capitulation, which ended the fighting in the Revolutionary War, were unequivocal about who’d won and who’d lost, concerning themselves chiefly with the logistics of unconditional British surrender. Nevertheless, as the Independent reports, the same country that was at our mercy at Yorktown will now get to see Star Wars: The Last Jedi a full 24 hours earlier than us, its onetime conqueror.
Yes, the army that denied American troops the honours of war at the Siege of Charlestown now gets to check in with Rey, Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, General Hux, Poe Dameron, and other Star Wars favorites on Thursday, Dec. 14, 2017. The forces of liberty and representational government, on the other hand? Friday, Dec. 15! This is not the future our Founding Fathers envisioned when they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor to one another back in 1776.
Neither the Articles of Capitulation nor the Treaty of Paris explicitly says the United States should be allowed to see all Star Wars movies before the rest of the world, but it’s pretty clearly implied in the whole “pursuit of happiness” thing. If we need to settle this by force of arms, we’ve got Colonial Williamsburg at the ready with fife and drum, and what have they got, those Queen’s Guard people whose big trick is standing still? That, and they get to watch Rian Johnson’s Star Wars movie a day before we do. Fine. Enjoy it, you lobsterback goons! At least we don’t have to pay taxes on our tea.
