In an alternate universe, this week’s Saturday Night Live featured a musical tribute to Obama’s last Christmas as president that wasn’t infused with doomsday sentiments. Unfortunately, we live in the universe where Trump won, so when Kenan Thompson, Chance the Rapper, and Leslie Jones performed a Run-D.M.C.–inspired rap tribute to Obama, it included lyrics like, “I got batteries, canned food, everything I need/ There’ll probably never be another Christmas Eve.”
Still, it’s impossible to invoke Run-D.M.C.’s 1987 song “Christmas in Hollis” without things being sort of cheerful, and with cameos from Casey Affleck (as “Breakdancing Democrat Jesus”) and Darryl “D.M.C.” McDaniels himself, this is the most upbeat Christmas song about impending doom since “Christmas at Ground Zero.” Leslie Jones gets the MVP award for her verse about being sexually obsessed with Joe Biden, thanks to his “aviator shades and big-ass teeth.” It might really be the last Christmas, so we might as well enjoy it.
Here’s the original video for “Christmas in Hollis,” the source for the skit’s vintage sets and Cadillac sleigh.
And just in time for your embarrassing Christmas party antics, here are the full lyrics to “Jingle Barack.”
Yo. it’s been a dope eight years, but now we’ve got one last Christmas with Barack Obama.
So if we going out, we going out with a bang!
Let’s get holly and jolly, y’all. Shall we?
It’s December 24th in the U.S.A.,
And the party’s going down in a major way!
The D.J. is bumping, crazy snow outside,
There’s eggnog! And chicken! And turkey! And fries!
We’ve still got Barack, so you know what that means?
We shooting some hoops in high-waist jeans!
So ’tis the season, let’s spread some cheer,
It’s the last Christmas with Barack still here.
CHORUS: L-l-l-l-last Christmas,
B-b-b-b-Barack’s still here.
Hey kid, enjoy the presents while you can,
Next year you might get a bomb from Iran.
Look, man, we got birth control under the tree,
And we stuffing every stocking with legal weed.
Hey Eric, hey Mike, get married tonight,
And real quick, let in every immigrant in sight.
So go nuts before the North Pole disappears,
‘Cause it’s the last Christmas before Trump next year.
CHORUS
Oh, snap, even Jesus is getting down!
Dang, Jesus, I didn’t know you was a Democrat!
This year I bought four Christmas trees,
Stockpiled all the Home Alone DVDs,
I got batteries, canned food, everything I need,
There’ll probably never be another Christmas Eve.
Been drinking eggnog like I don’t care,
Imma hurt myself before we lose Obamacare.
Say goodbye to Barack, say goodbye December,
For a new holiday called “regular winter.”
Even Kanye is endorsing him,
Got Obama back smoking Newports again,
Left the cookies and will and testament,
For the first—maybe last—black president.
I’m decked out in Santa gear from head to toe,
Then I noticed papa wasn’t in his most festive clothes.
I said, “Dad, what’s wrong?” and he said back,
“Never trust a white dude wearing no red hat.”
Here I go, here I go, here I go again,
Girls, what’s my weakness? Joe Biden!
He makes me feel funny in my Christmas wreath,
With his aviator shades and his big-ass teeth.
Wanna take a freaky ride with Amtrak Joe,
And we can share our ice cream under mistletoe.
So Joe, let’s snuggle up for a four-year nap,
And I’ll tell you what I want while I sit on your lap.
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack—do the jingle Barack!
Last Christmas with Obama so hug your baby mama,
And do the Jingle Barack!
Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle Barack—do the jingle Barack!
Last Christmas with Obama so hug your baby mama,
Might be the very very last Christmas.
