When talking about Republican nominee Donald Trump, it’s difficult to know exactly how to describe him. “Mainstream Republican Donald Trump,” is pretty good; so is “favored candidate of the Republican Party Donald Trump” and “straightforward advocate of long-held Republican beliefs Donald Trump.” But these are more journalistic descriptions, and if there’s one thing Donald Trump inspires, it’s poetry. The writers at Full Frontal With Samantha Bee are the poets of this particular historical moment, and on Saturday, they released a comprehensive supercut of every phrase Bee has used to describe the not-particularly-extraordinary Republican candidate, from “bigoted See ’n Say” to “screaming carrot demon.” Here’s a complete list:
- Sentient caps-lock button
- Freshly sandpapered reality star
- Two-bit wall salesman
- Melting hunk of uninformed apricot Jell-O
- Erratic rage quasar
- America’s first appendix
- Backfired wish that Republicans made on a cursed monkey’s paw
- Agent Orange
- Bigoted See ’n Say
- Dauphin of Breitbartistan
- Demagoguing bag of candy corn
- George Wallace in a wig
- Cheap National Front knockoff
- Muddled asshole yearning to scream free
- Big hairy orange villain
- Leering dildo
- M. Night Orangeman
- Grotesque caterpillar turning into a somehow even more grotesque butterfly
- Heretical billionaire bully
- Nativist foghorn
- Crotch-fondling slab of rancid meatloaf
- Casino Mussolini
- Monstrous apricot bulb
- Hometown embarrassment
- Screaming carrot demon
- First-grader with a head injury
- 16-month Hindenburg explosion
- Orange supremacist
- Sociopathic 70-year-old toddler
- Failed QVC steak salesman
- Nasty garbage monster
- The white power movement’s orange ally
- Thrice-married foul-mouthed tit judge who likes Planned Parenthood and thinks Corinthians is a type of car upholstery
- Two-bit used hate salesman
- The asteroid that just destroyed a party of dinosaurs
- Dick-waving Berlusconi knockoff
- Fat Elvis
- Large-mouthed ass
- Creamsicle
- Rich asshole who wants to be king of America
- Tangerine tinted trash can fire
- Tax-cheating, investor-swindling, worker-shafting, dictator-loving, pathologically lying, attorneys general–bribing, philandering, mobbed up, narcissistic serial con artist
- The least qualified candidate ever to lurch into the public spotlight and shit on Gold Star moms while cradling Putin’s sweaty sack
