Monday will be the opening night of the Republican National Convention, a weeklong parade of soap opera villains, reality show D-listers, misogynist billionaires, bumbling homophobes, pyramid scheme hucksters, and old-school racists gathered to pass their party’s gauntlet to the one man at the center of their strange Venn diagram: Donald Trump. The thought of watching this carnival of the damned on live television is horrifying even for people who still have cable, but for millennial cord-cutters it’s not just unappealing, it’s practically impossible. That’s a problem for a party that, for some reason, has had trouble attracting younger voters recently. So in the spirit of Trump’s vaunted outreach to millennials, we’ve prepared a guide to alternative options: For each night of the convention, you’ll find a film that perfectly embodies the evening’s theme, ensuring that even without C-SPAN, you can still discover just what Trump’s Republican Party is all about.
Monday (“Make America Safe Again”): Punishment Park
Peter Watkins’ low-budget mockumentary is a shimmering utopian vision of an America where everyone works together to ensure the country’s safety. The chaos of Black Lives Matter protests, the ever-present threat of immigration, young people being rude about our nation’s endless wars: They’ll all be a thing of the past under President Trump, as Watkins’ uplifting fantasia ably demonstrates. Made during the Vietnam War, Punishment Park is a surprisingly modern blueprint for building the kind of foreign policy all (remaining) Americans can support.
Tuesday (“Make America Work Again”): The Wicker Man
Summerisle, the idyllic Scottish island so charmingly laid out in Robin Hardy’s 1973 economic parable The Wicker Man, is one of the all-time great conservative paradises. The island’s charming residents have a firm commitment to religious tradition that will warm the hearts of values voters across the country. But Tuesday is about jobs for Americans in an economy that has failed them. The Wicker Man addresses this through the character of entrepreneur and man-of-the-people Lord Summerisle, who, much like Donald Trump, brings his island wealth and prosperity by firing inefficient government regulators. What’s more, his economic policy is based on the same sound science that undergirds supply-side economics. For extra authenticity, the 2006 remake is on HBO Go—like Trump’s tax plan, it’s a dumbed-down version of a fantastical dream of the ’70s.
Wednesday (“Make America First Again”): There Will Be Blood
Like America herself, Trump has a competition in him, a drive to excel as long as his amber waves and as big as his purple mountain’s majesty. He succeeds so hard and so often, he practically reeks of it. In this, he has much in common with Daniel Plainview, the lovable hero of Paul Thomas Anderson’s 2007 ode to America’s can-do spirit There Will Be Blood. Plainview’s boundless altruism and love of his fellow man is a clear echo of Trump’s commitment to charity and affection for his supporters. Plus, the White House has a bowling alley where Trump can receive the religious leaders he has so much respect for.
Thursday (“Make America One Again”): The Act of Killing
There are more obvious films to choose for an evening dedicated to man outlining his plans to make America one people, one country, under one leader. But rather than focus on a politician who failed, Thursday is all about the road to victory. Joshua Oppenheimer’s 2012 documentary The Act of Killing shows the well-earned retirement of one such leader, Anwar Congo, who helped forge one Indonesia at a time when that country was a fractured as our own is today. Congo—as classy as the presumptive Republican nominee—talks in refreshingly practical terms about the hard work of unification, while offering an enchanting vision of the rewards and accolades that await. And really, what better way to sum up 21st-century America than Congo’s reminder that winners get to decide what is and isn’t a war crime?
There you have it: a complete program of viewing recommendations for people who are unable to watch the big show in Cleveland. If any of the choices strike you as unfair to Donald Trump and the great movement he represents, feel free to swap out a screening of Hillary’s America instead—you deserve it!
