This Saturday, the Eurovision Song Contest is being aired in the U.S. for the first time, and anyone whose idea of Europop is “99 Luftballons” or Daft Punk or even Giorgio Moroder, lower your expectations now. If you’ve ever been to a hotel nightclub in the Canary Islands or watched a variety show on Italian television, you’re somewhat more prepared for the spectacle.
As subtle as Meatloaf, as restrained as Céline Dion (1988’s winner, mysteriously representing Switzerland), this is the pop that cool forgot, born from countries that never had the black American traditions of blues and spirituals to draw on. Imagine a parallel universe where the Osmonds and Bonnie Tyler (who actually represented the U.K. in 2013) were the biggest influences on U.S. popular music.
The creation of a consortium of European public broadcasters, Eurovision was born in 1955 out of the same spirit of pan-Europeanism that two years later resulted in the founding of the European Economic Community, the forerunner of the EU. While the contest avoids controversy and topicality (so songs are usually about those beauty pageant favorites, love and world peace—although there is the occasional exception, like Montenegro’s unlikely 2012 rap about the financial crisis), the development of Eurovision has nevertheless unconsciously mirrored real-world events. In the early days it was just Western European and Scandinavian countries. Then as the EU expanded eastwards, countries like Azerbaijan, Poland, and Belarus were included. Now with globalization, the definition of “Europe” has grown to include Russia, Morocco, Israel, and even Australia, and on Saturday, 42 countries will be competing. (It was supposed to be 43, but Romania was dropped for unpaid debts.) Last year’s contest was watched by approximately 200 million people around the globe.
As a primer—and a pointer to some possible drinking games—here’s a guide to what Americans can expect to see.
1.) A Nordic country will field a metal band complete with Game of Thrones–like leather jerkins, scraggly long hair, and special effects right out of Spinal Tap’s “Stonehenge.”
After “demon metal” band Lordi’s upset win in 2006, Finland has regularly entered such contenders. Dwarfs may or may not be involved.
2.) Nods to high culture.
Several numbers will incorporate symphonic or operatic elements, usually in an uneasy alliance with a hi-NRG stomper or a power ballad.
3.) At least one song will be performed by a singer who is clearly a non-English speaker and has learned the lyrics phonetically.
Eurovision has gone back and forth on whether singers have to perform in their native language, but ever since the language restriction was lifted in 1999, English has taken over, as artists seize the chance to appeal to a world market without being limited by singing in, say, Ukrainian. (For one example, check out this 2004 entry from Ukraine, also rocking the GoT look)
4.) Choruses consisting largely of “la-la-la-la-la.”
Actually, this has become a lot less common since the language restriction was lifted—it was often employed before as a way of introducing universality without actually breaking the rules—but old habits die hard.
5.) After all the generic power ballads and vapid Eurodisco, an entry with some authentic folkloric elements will come as a refreshing change.
This Russian 2012 entry was so down-home it featured grandmothers baking bread live on stage. The chorus, which has them (phonetically) singing “Party for everybody/ Dance, c’mon and dance/ C’mon and boom boom” like Madonna with added bread-making skills, is somewhat less authentically folkloric.
6.) At least one number will be camp beyond even Glee’s wildest dreams.
Usually unintentionally.
7.) You’ll discover that TV presenters of other lands are every bit as animatronic as our own.
You’ll learn this well (unless like most viewers you take the opportunity to stock up on refreshments), because after some introductory chitchat, local TV presenters from each participating country announce how many points their nation has awarded to each act. This is one reason why the contest runs to more than three hours.
8.) There will be a Swedish act that evokes Eurovision’s presiding deity, ABBA.
“Waterloo” won in 1974 and has provided the template for contest success ever since. Machine-tooled Swedish pop frequently finishes in the top 20 and in fact the contest is being broadcast from Stockholm since Sweden won last year. The country with the biggest haul of winning titles, however, is Ireland, which specializes in all-conquering big, soppy songs. Not for nothing was Ireland represented in 1973 by Enya.
9.) You’ll hear a song from someplace you’re not even sure is a real country.
Here’s San Marino, represented in 2014 by an up-to-the-minute entry called “The Social Network Song (Oh Oh—Uh—Oh Oh).”
10.) The Eurovision audience will reveal a surprising fondness for gender-fluid artists.
This trend began with Israeli trans performer (now there’s a stereotype-shattering phrase) Dana International, who won in 1998 with “Diva,” and continued with the lovely Conchita Wurst, whose big voice and modest charm secured Austria the title in 2014.*
*Correction, May 11, 2016: This article originally misstated that Dana International won in 2008. She won in 1998. Additionally, it misidentified the song as “Viva La Diva.” The song’s official title is “Diva.” It also misstated that Lordi won in 2008. The band won in 2006.
