As Powerball fever grips America, Stephen Colbert wants his viewers to know one thing: “I am going to win.” (The New York Times be damned!) Like pretty much everyone else who’s spent $2 on a chance to take home $1.5 billion in a 30-year annuity, the host of the Late Show is feeling good about his odds—so much so that he’s thinking about buying matching Jeeps for all his friends.
Colbert is back in bombastic Colbert Report mode, facetiously endorsing the flawed logic of compulsive gamblers (and the flawed logic of New York Lottery’s shameless ad campaign, which insists that “future you” wants present you to play the lottery). “Some might say there is no way to game a completely random system, and that you’re far better off saving or investing your money,” Colbert acknowledges. “Those people are called suckers.” To be fair, though, not everything Colbert says here is fallacious: His first two Powerball tips—“pick only winning numbers” and “know what numbers are”—are rock solid.
If you’re interested in splitting the winnings with Colbert, his guaranteed-to-win numbers are 10, 21, 22, 27, 63, and 09.