Stephen Colbert Is Not Taking Yesterday’s NYSE Shutdown Well

Following Wednesday’s series of scary technical glitches, which led to temporary shutdowns at the New York Stock Exchange, United Airlines, and the Wall Street Journal, a panicked Stephen Colbert sent this somehwhat unhinged dispatch from a very office-like bunker. At least it looks like the late-night host is well-prepared, with whole pallets of bottled water, “over sixty bags of snackable chip,” and “reams of three-hole-punch paper upon which I will raise my kingdom from the ashes.” Here’s hoping someone gets him out of there before he makes good on his promise to repopulate the Earth with his chicken Queen Vindaloo.