Who Is Hiding the Dirtiest Secrets on Scandal?

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Dec. 10 2013 2:16 PM

Who Is Hiding the Dirtiest Secrets on Scandal?

scandal_yolo
What horrible secret will be hiding behind the next closed door?

ABC

This Thursday marks the winter finale of Scandal, the addictive show that dominates social media (and which you might be able to “watch” just by reading Twitter). The show’s 2½ seasons have already included more scandals than an ordinary fan could possibly keep track of—it’s hard to say, at this point, whether there’s anyone left on the show that can still don a white hat, to borrow the show's favorite metaphor.

So we’ve decided to settle the matter. For now.

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We’ve given the main characters their own hats, and dirtied each one up the appropriate amount. We left out two characters, Harrison Wright (Columbus Short) and Abby Whelan (Darby Stanchfield), who are mostly clean (so far).

Spoilers follow.

scandal_fitz

Photo courtesy ABC

* Shot down a plane as part of Operation Remington, the details of which are still unclear.

* Has an on-again off-again affair with Olivia Pope, his former campaign manager.

* Had an affair with White House intern Amanda Tanner (Liza Weill).

* Killed Supreme Court justice Verna Thornton (Debra Mooney) after she threatened to reveal the election fraud that got him to the White House.

scandal_cyrus

Photo courtesy ABC

* Helped orchestrate the election fraud that put Grant in the White House.

* Has a hit man (Charlie, played by George Newbern) on speed dial; ordered the killing of White House intern Amanda Tanner.

* With co-conspirator Mellie, diverted rumors of the Olivia Pope-President Grant relationship by leaking a fake tip that the president was actually sleeping with White House staffer Jeannine Locke (Samantha Sloyan).

scandal_mellie

Photo courtesy ABC

* May be keeping her child’s true paternity a secret from her husband.

* Faked a miscarriage during the president’s election campaign in order to sway female voters’ support.

* Helped orchestrate the election fraud that got Grant to the White House.

* Pretended that her husband was awake while he was still in a coma after an assassination attempt, forging his signature and acting as president.

* With Cyrus, leaked fake tip to the media that the president was sleeping with White House staffer Jeannine Locke.

scandal_rowan

Photo courtesy ABC

* Ordered a plane shot down as part of Operation Remington.

* Faked his wife’s death.

* As the leader of B-613, has ordered the assassinations of an untold number of people.

scandal_langston

Photo courtesy ABC

* Keeps her daughter’s abortion as a teenager a secret from the public, for fear of retaliation from her religious conservative fan base.

* Killed her husband in last week's episode after Cyrus attempted to blackmail her with photos of her husband and James being intimate.

scandal_quinn

Courtesy of ABC

* Accidentally killed a security guard with an injection she thought would only knock him out for a bit. Is blackmailed into joining B-613 as a result.

scandal_olivia

Courtesy of ABC

* Has an on-again, off-again affair with the president.

* Helped orchestrate the election fraud that got Grant to the White House.

* Has used questionable means to cover up an untold number of other people’s scandals.

scandal_huck

Courtesy of ABC

* Is addicted to killing. Attends AA meetings to secretly treat his bloodlust.

* Involved in various levels of the election fraud cover-up.

scandal_jake

Courtesy of ABC

* Did many horrible things for B-613.

scandal_james

Courtesy of ABC

* Didn’t report on the election fraud in exchange for Cyrus’ reluctant agreement to adopt a baby.

* Slept with the closeted husband of Vice President Sally Langston (Kate Burton).

scandal_david

Courtesy of ABC

* Got his job back as Assistant U.S. Attorney (after having been fired for losing an important case) by agreeing not to reveal his election fraud findings.

Aisha Harris is a Slate staff writer.

Miriam Krule is a Slate assistant editor.

Derreck Johnson is a Slate Web designer.

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