You better wear protection, because the whole world is out to hit you in the balls. That’s the message of America’s Funniest Home Videos, now in its 23rd season. This morning, Slate learned via press release that the archives of America’s Funniest Home Videos are now online, and this had us wondering: How many different objects has the show featured hitting us in the crotch?
After a thorough analysis of all 166 videos tagged “groin”—from “No Pain, No Groin” to “Groin Fishin’” to “Ball to the Crotch”—we present our findings in the form of the following comprehensive list of groin hazards, ranked from most common to least common, including everything from pool balls to barbells to geese. While “Man Getting Hit by Football” remains a classic of the genre, it turns out that the football doesn’t rank as high as Hans Moleman might have you believe.
1. Children (15)
2. Wiffle balls (8)
3. Skateboards (7)
4. Basketballs (5)
5. Trees (5)
6. Tightropes (4)
7. Fences (4)
8. Poles (4)
9. Baseballs (3)
10. Hand rails (3)
11. Logs (3)
12. Skate rails (3)
13. Bicycle seats (3)
14. Dog noses (3)
15. Trampoline edges (3)
16. Exercise machines (2)
17. Tricycles (2)
18. Ropes (2)
19. Water balloons (2)
20. Plastic baseball bats (2)
21. Softballs (2)
22. Soccer balls (2)
23. Golf balls (2)
24. Pool balls (2)
25. Elastic exercise bands (2)
26. Misc. balls (2)
27. Half-pipes (2)
28. Piñata bats (2)
29. Dirt bikes (2)
30. The face of the person we’re jumping over
31. Fish
32. Wall
33. Snowball
34. Whip
35. Canteen
36. Hockey stick
37. Football cleat
38. Barbell
39. Pumpkin
40. Pogo stick
41. Trashcan
42. Football
43. Waterskiing wake
44. Hula hoop
45. Stuffed animal
46. Ping-pong ball
47. Tape measure
48. Rock
49. Sticky hand toy
50. Hurdle
51. Boat
52. Shovel
53. Plank of wood
54. Teeter totter
55. Pillow (in pillow fight)
56. Kendo stick
57. Wood shard (while chopping)
58. Swing set
59. Puppy
60. Booby trap
61. Volleyball
62. Remote control car
63. Goose
64. Golf club
65. Tennis ball
66. Cannonball diver
67. Yo-yo
68. Trailer
69. Sled
70. Stop sign
71. Police dog
72. Plastic toy
73. Mechanical hole digger
74. Parking meter
75. Severed foot of piñata
76. Horse hoof
77. Ball attached to string
78. Upside-down barstool
79. Karate teacher
80. Corgi
