If you’ve been struggling to find your place in the cold, dark world, take comfort in the fact that two of society’s most sensible women— Jane Austen and Jersey Shore ‘s Jenni “JWoww” Farley —are offering new guides to life and love. Naturally, this presents a conundrum. Do you follow the counsel of Jane (via The Jane Austen Handbook writer Margaret C. Sullivan) who offers “proper life skills from Regency England”? Or do you listen to The Rules According to JWoww , which guarantees “Shore-tested secrets on landing a mint guy, staying fresh to death and kicking the competition to the curb”? Perhaps a sampling of their individual wisdom on the following topics will help you decide:
On Deportment
Jane Austen Handbook: No one wants to spend time withthose who have an unpleasant manner.
JWoww: Guys hate a Debbie Downer. It’s the ultimate turnoff.
On Essential Life Skills
Jane Austen
Handbook
:
Master the art of needlework. To be an accomplished woman,you must know how to do fancy needlework…When company is present, she will displayimpressive embroidery and decorative needle arts.
JWoww: Men love a lady who has skills…Let’s be honest: guys maysay they’re looking for someone pure and respectable to bring home to Mama, butthey’re secretly praying she’s a fucking nympho with a bachelor’s degree inbanging.
On Attire
Jane Austen Handbook : Evening is the time for your flimsiest muslins, prettiesttrimmings, and whatever family jewelry you can wheedle out of your mother.Low-cut bodices are perfectly acceptable, and a pretty headdress or some beadsor flowers woven into your hair will add just the right touch.
JWoww: Make sure you show your hips, ass and boobs in a sexy way;your clothes should cling to your body, giving guys a guide to what’s lurkingunderneath. Accentuate the look with stilettos, bracelets, rings and earringsand a clutch, all in the same color family so you look pulled together—nottrashy.
On Courtship
Jane Austen Handbook : Ask him if he wants to go “stargazing.” Everyoneknows what that means. If not he must be rather clueless, and perhaps youshould rethink your affection.
JWoww: It’s okay for a woman to make the first move…Here are a fewno-pressure openers that will get the conversation going.
–”Do you come here a lot?”
–”Thismusic is great, don’t you think?”
–”Hi.”
OnAppropriate Party Behavior
Jane Austen Handbook : Serenity of countenance,elegant carriage, good posture, and graceful movements show your respect foryour company—both your fellow dancers and those watching the dance. Clapping,shouting, snapping your fingers or other loud interruptions will mark you asvulgar and unaccustomed to good company.
JWoww: Sloppy drunk is not a good lookon anyone. Stop drinking if you vomit. If you puke it up, don’t put more in.Vomiting is a sign that your body can’t take the amount of alcohol that youhave consumed. Call it quits for the evening and go clean yourself up at home.
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