The people of America have spoken. I asked for the Most Conservative Product in the U S of A and you responded with enough guns to outfit an Idaho militia and enough Depends undergarment jokes to make a grown man sigh into his keyboard. Let’s put on our Rodney Atkins CD, brew up some Folger’s coffee, call in the dogs, turn up the gas fire, and start the countdown to No. 1.
Fifth Place
Precious Moments Figurines
. I had no idea what these were, but they were nominated too many times to be denied. They are “very white” dolls with big eyes, often shown in pairs hugging or helping one another. When you see ”
Held by the Hands of Faith
” on the mantle, it’s a safe bet that you can drop a reference to Ephesians without anyone getting confused.
Fourth Place
Guns were by far the top vote-getter, and I was especially pleased to learn about the Smith & Wesson
S&W 500
, “the biggest handgun ever made, and the only one to require a shoulder strap.” The Colt .45 was also a good choice, as was the M-16, but I’m going to reward fourth place to ammo. Even a few liberals may have a .22 around to keep groundhogs out of the arugula, but nothing says “conservative firearm enthusiast” like having a few cases of bullets stacked up in the den.
Third Place
Kellogg’s Corn Flakes. Allow me to quote from the entry: “Not that they’re radical, just unchanged. Since 1906. A good kind of conservatism.”
Second Place
Hummers, Ford F-150s (in white), and other large automobiles came up a lot. Special props to the GMC dealer who vouched for the Yukon XL Denali as the most conservative ride in America. Yet, there was one automotive product that outpaced the field. That would be
TruckNutz
. I must confess that I have never seen a pair of plastic testacles dangling from the back of pick-up truck. I’ve also never seen them glow in the dark. Nor I have I seen them
accessorized with a yellow-flag pin
. Time to get out of Brooklyn and visit the real America.
Honorable Mentions: Gold, oil, roses, Bible carriers, snuff, Costco sausage patties, Cabela’s (“Yes, the entire store”), winter camo, and buffets. Mountain Dew also had several strong proponents who maintained that it was the conservative soft drink of choice in the Mountain West and the South.
First Place
Land. The nomination, which has a certain Joycean momentum, requires posting in full: “Land of your own to hunt deer, shoot coyotes, string barbed wire, and have lawn mower races. Enough elbow room to scream at your nine kids, build your apocalypse bunker, and put serious mileage on your off-road equipped SUV just driving to church and back. You are rather proud of your three-story radio antenna, the one required to successfully tune into your favorite talk radio stations. Secretly, you fantasize about an oil field being discovered on your land, Clampett-style, but those curious chemical odors on the breeze turn out to be just your neighbor’s meth lab. Maybe you’ll take the four-wheeler over and witness to him about the power of Jesus’ blood, properly side-armed just in case, of course. All made possible by your 64 acres of American soil.”
So there you have it. God bless America, where liberals and conservatives alike can make slapshot generalizations about each other on the Internet.
