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Justice Scalia Goes Long on Torture

Remember back when we didn’t believe in torturing people? Turns out it's way more interesting to reopen the whole question and bicker with the umps about their recent calls. Let’s go to the telestrator:

Out on the field this week, we have Sen. Joe Lieberman, I-Conn., announcing yesterday that water-boarding is legal whereas “putting burning coals on people's bodies” is torture. Shooting the breeze with the BBC, Justice Antonin Scalia declares that he would have no problem shoving a little “something under the fingernails, smack him in the face” but conceded that these are not easy questions. And Sen. John McCain scores a touchdown for the opposing team when he says he wants torture to be illegal unless the CIA is doing it, in which case it isn’t. Finally, the week closed with Steven Bradbury, who heads up the Office of Legal Counsel at the Justice Department and is confident that it isn’t really water-boarding if it’s changed since the Spanish Inquisition.

It would be totally awesome if we could just throw open the whole U.S. Code and race around the football field renegotiating all of it for ourselves, don’t you think? I'm going to redefine shoplifting this weekend and go find me some Prada sandals.